Exercise 35: May 2010 -or- Name That Tune

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 35: May 2010 -or- Name That Tune

A slight variation this month. First, you may submit anything you like -- a short story, an article, a novel excerpt and so on, as we've done the last few months, or you may try your hand at a more directed exercise by going with Plan B below:

Write a short story based on a song from They Might Be Giants' album Apollo 18. Song list below.

Either is due this month!

• Dig My Grave
• I Palindrome I
• She's Actual Size
• My Evil Twin
• Mammal
• The Statue Got Me High
• Spider
• The Guitar
• Dinner Bell
• Narrow Your Eyes
• Hall of Heads
• Which Describes How You're Feeling
• See the Constellation
• If I Wasn't Shy
• Turn Around
• Hypnotist of Ladies
• Everything Is Catching On Fire
• Fingertips
• I Hear the Wind Blow
• Hey Now, Everybody
• Who's That Standing Out My Window?
• I Found a New Friend
• Wreck My Car
• Aren't You the Guy Who Hit Me in the Eye?
• Please Pass the Milk
• Leave Me Alon
• Who's Knockin' on the Wall?
• All Alone
• What's That Blue Thing Doing Here?
• Something Grabbed Ahold of My Hand
• I Don't Understand You
• I Heard a Sound
• Mysterious Whisper
• The Day That Love Came to Play
• I'm Having a Heart Attack
• I Walk Along Darkened Corridors
• Space Suit

[Kael]

Download: The March of Winter (http://kael.civfanatics.net/files/MarchofWinter.pdf)

[Creole Ned]

Feedback soon! I also will have an actual entry this month. A shocking development, to be sure.

[Creole Ned]

Jon's entry: What's That Blue Thing Doing Here? (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/blue_thing.pdf)

[russellmz]

Jon's entry: What's That Blue Thing Doing Here? (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/blue_thing.pdf)


i like the twist ending, although it was fairly obvious grendle would come to a bad end.

the blue thing needs a name. something ridiculous or funny sounding.

there has to be a better reason for grendle to stand near the door, something that would please the big bad. otherwise she's disobeying orders for no purpose and would hurt her chances to be top minion.

and grundle needs to say a punchline. maybe slapping his head and naming the blue thing? ("it's a cuisinart!")

i liked the "you're just sad" and grundle looking sad lines.

did you consider having grundle and grendel say "i don't eat breakfast" at the same time the second time grundle says it? like when abbott and costello both say "first base!" in their skit?

[Kael]

The Blue Thing:

It was an interesting read. The only part which seemed to break character for me was the line "I even have to keep your stupid ass in line". In the rest of the skit the goblins are portrayed against stereotype. They keep their rooms clean, they perform vaudeville routines. This line dropped them back to typical goblin banter when I thought the joke was that they weren't course at all.

Also, as russell mentioned, details will help make it funnier. Where its relevant it may be nice to pull in details of the room, of the goblins and of the blue thing. Instead of saying a hero bursts into the room it may be better to describe him, mane of blond hair, armor shining almost as brightly as his perfect teeth, etc.

[Jon_Danger]

Yeah, it was a quick write. I wanted to get some things down quickly. Usually if I dwell too long on a scene it gets a bit convoluted.

Thanks for the advice.

I write mostly character scenes, where the comedy is in the acting. This scene is a pretty good example of that.

I will probably have a few more to submit.

[Jon_Danger]

Hey, I edited the story and posted it to my website.
http://www.partyplatypus.com/2010/05/what-is-that-blue-thing-doing-here/

I added in your changes, all good ideas, thanks.

[Creole Ned]

Feedback: The March of Winter (Kael):

The story starts with a snappy opening, clearly laying out exactly what is happening and pulls the reader in. This isn't always necessary in a short story but it's a great technique when pulled off effectively.

The description of Abruel building the temple and then dying feels a bit too brief. Maybe instead of just 'built a small temple' include a bit more about his weakened state before having him die, just to make the transition a bit smoother from 'building temple' to 'dead'.

Page 1, I would change:

Through her magic she could hear the soldiers shouting orders, feel the biting cold wind, then she disappeared from the temples edge and appeared on the beach.

to:

Through her magic she could hear the soldiers shouting orders, feel the biting cold wind. She disappeared from the temples edge and appeared on the beach.

Several times this is used:

“Reinforcements are coming.” She yelled.

When this would be correct:

“Reinforcements are coming,” she yelled.

Page 2: 'creak', not 'creek'. One is a sound, the other a body of water. :)

I like the description of the jumbled skeletons leading the attack. All of your action scenes are clearly laid out, with small details adding to them.

Page 3:

There might be a better sense of the swarming skeletons. Tya seems to have things relatively in hand but gets conked without much fanfare by just turning around for a moment.

The following passage didn't scan quite right for me. Suggested change:

Tya felt moist earth between her fingers, she imagined she was in her own grave. She was in darkness but she sensed she was far away from the frozen beach. There was a frantic activity around her, the sound of creatures burrowing. The ground was recently upturned earth and it filled the air with its fragrance and the stench of rotting flesh.

To:

Tya felt moist earth between her fingers, imagining she was in her own grave. She was in darkness but sensed she was far away from the frozen beach. There was a frantic activity around her, the sound of creatures burrowing. The ground was recently upturned and it filled the air with its fragrance and the stench of rotting flesh.

Change "Tya woke in darkness." to "Tya again woke in darkness." This avoids simply repeating the phrase from earlier and also gives a better sense of time progression.

Page 5:

It's noted that three years have passed and then it's stated that Tya "was haggard and gaunt from years living alone in the forest". Since it could not have been more than three years, I'd rephrase it to something like "was haggard and gaunt after living these past years alone in the forest".

The reveal in the temple of Tya having the tormented souls/spirits in her is vivid, but the aftermath seems a bit confusing. It would seem clear that she had been 'compromised' by her stay in the Deadlands and so wouldn't it make sense for her to have been restrained or confined after this attack leaves all but her dead? You do state that the tormented souls have been purged from her body after the attack and that may be enough. Perhaps a line or two to mention that she was regarded with suspicion or shunned afterward? Still mulling this over, myself.

The symmetry between Tya and the first cloaked old woman is interesting but a bit puzzling. Is the first woman trying to do what Tya does but fails somehow, or is she simply mad? Why does she lead Tya out of the tunnels and back to Arune? I'm unclear on what her role in the story was. This may not be a problem with the story but just my understanding of it. I'd be curious to see what others think.

The final paragraph perhaps sums things up a little too quickly. I'd have liked a little more imagery of the skeletons in battle in Arune before suddenly collapsing lifeless after Tya kills the worm queen. Also, the story begins with "To this day the Tear of Heaven hangs from the central dome of the temple" but by story's end it is presumably buried in the collapsed tunnels far off in the Deadlands. You should probably reconcile this.

Minor quibble: you use 'bone-colored sky' early in the story and it's a great image, but you use it again later and its effect is diminished by the repetition.

Overall, though, I enjoyed the story. It moves along briskly and efficiently, using an economy of words to depict the action clearly. I like your depiction of magic as limited in practical terms and the surprise use of the Tear of Heaven at the end is a neat wrap-up to the story. Tya's character does not feel very fleshed-out here, but given the relative brevity of the story, that's not unexpected and I'm not sure how much it affects my overall impression. I didn't feel any investment in her emotionally, though I did admire the way she used her abilities and stood defiant in the face of the worm queen.

A worthy effort.

[Rimbo]

Daddy's Little Girl. (http://rimbosity.com/writings/DaddysLittleGirl.pdf) I think I was hungry when I wrote this one.

[Creole Ned]

What's That Blue Thing Doing Here? (Jon):

I read both versions!

I am going to riff a bit off of russell's and Kael's comments.

First, I could easily visualize these two characters and their routine. The banter is simple and moves along well.

I would lose the comment about Grendle saving Grundle's butt altogether. Even though you changed it to make it fit better within the given context in your rewrite, the line still feels a bit clunky and removing it doesn't hurt the pacing of the scene.

I actually preferred the original version where the contents of the box are never revealed. The audience doesn't particularly need to know what's in it and it's fun to speculate. If you do go with revealing the contents, it doesn't make sense for Grendle to object to Grundle calling it the "blue thing" when she does so repeatedly herself.

The final bit of action, with Grundle stabbing the hero can work if the actor playing Grundle makes an especially dramatic flourish in returnning to the exact spot he'd been standing on before, but russell's suggestion of having Grundle say something could work, too. Perhaps Grundle could say something like, "Stand right here" to himself.

The back and forth over the subjects of breakfast and parentage are amusingly presented.

Minor English teacher quibble: Never use more than one piece of punctuation. Four exclamation points are not more effective than one. :)

Minor nitpick: I'd change this:

Grendle – What is that blue thing doing here?

To this:

Grendle – What's that blue thing doing here?

To better match the title of the song.

Overall, this would make a fun (yes, I used the f-word) and snappy scene onstage.


Daddy's Little Girl (Rimbo):

I love the name Moose, Wyoming.

The first return letter is unexpectedly full of vitriol after the utter pleasantness of the opening one, pulls the reader in to see how the exchanges will evolve and what exactly the situation is.

Page 2 - Gary asks "Why can’t you leave us alone and in peace?" but appears to be the one who initiated communication with Frieda. Seems a bit incongruous.

This is a very weird story.

The main thrust is the dispute between Gary and Frieda, who would appear to be separated or divorced. I surmised that Gary had taken the kids away (perhaps illegally) and Frieda was using the resources she had to try to track them down. The story takes an abrupt left turn into bizarroland with one of the daughters, Terry, apparently being a cannibal serial killer who eats the entire bunch of them and then writes her mother to let her know.

I had to re-read the story and do the math to figure out that "we had Harriet for dinner" was literal. Harriet is never identified or described in any other way, so there's no way to know if she was a friend, a member of the family or someone else. That Gary later refers to "Just the four of us" (meaning himself, Terry, Gordon and Vera) would suggest that she was not a family member, but I think this could be clarified as it's the only real clue before the twist ending plays out. The re-read also indicates that Gary and Terry are both cannibals but Frieda's reactions (and Terry's letter) indicate she (Frieda) doesn't know about Terry's behavior, only Gary's. Or does she even know about Gary's? I would think her initial letter to him would be more about the children's safety if she did.

It feels like there may not be quite enough here to justify the twist ending. My question to you would be: What does Frieda know about the situation at the start of the story?

On a more minor note, I'd have preferred the communication between the parties to have been setup strictly as e-mails and not actual letters that get scanned. That would serve to compress the timeframe and could be used to ratchet up the tension as Frieda tries to track her family down (before everyone gets eaten, presumably).

I did like the back and forth of the letters, with Frieda trying different approaches to get Gary to give himself up and Gary playing up the "nyah nyah, you can't catch me!" thing while also going on about how wonderful everything was.

Still, weird!

[Rimbo]

Fantastic feedback, Ned. Thanks.

Yeah, it makes more sense that they'd be sending e-mails in retrospect. I wanted it to be letters right from the get go, without realizing that I'd kinda set myself up to where Gary would be just too easy to track down, so I just kinda threw in the "fax and scan" thing, and as you rightly point out, it doesn't work.

I was going for that whole M. Night Shamlwyaysamyan "twist" ending. It's good that you were able to figure out what was going on the second time through, but obviously the goal is for the reader to have enough information that it's all spelled out for him at the end of the first read-through (and then things that didn't make sense on the first read, suddenly do). The hard part is giving the reader enough information to want to keep reading and enjoy the trip to that final reveal, while at the same time not giving him enough so that the final reveal has some impact.

I tend to favor not giving enough information. But in that case, I think I really need to come clean at the end, make sure it's all clear.

The goal is to give the reader nightmares, and the real source of fear is coming from the realization that Terry isn't an innocent victim of the husband's desires, but a chip off the old block. THAT isn't quite getting across. So... yeah, needs more details in the middle as well, and you've given me some great pointers as to where I can do that.

[Rimbo]

Oh, and Moose, WY is a real town, right inside Grand Teton National Park.

[russellmz]

spoilers ahead:



march of winter

the new skeletons are awesome. i also like the big undead made out of other undeads.

the two good/evil bombings of the two headquarters made a good parallel and the old lady who became undead made a good forshadowing.

why did tya say the temple massacre was forgotten? it really didn't follow from the worm queen's comment about tya's looks.

when the soldiers "cut her down" was she injured? hit by an arrow?

so tya never did have kids after all? :(

daddy's little girl

kind of freaky. i was wondering what horrible lifestyle gary was doing, although the constant food references made me think suspect cannibalism early. were they killing random people in the hundred mile radius? a hundred miles doesn't seem that big an area to hunt for missing people/cannibals, even if there're hiding.

my favorite part was the tone shift of the first two letters.

[Rimbo]

By the way, I read both "Blue Thing" and "March of Winter," but I was too tired to provide feedback, so I need to re-read both of them.

I'm not I can do justice to Blue Thing given my "nonsense of humor," as Flowers once said. :) I say this not due to feeling a lack of confidence in my own taste, but more out of a genuine befuddlement into what makes good comedy.

[russellmz]

By the way, I read both "Blue Thing" and "March of Winter," but I was too tired to provide feedback, so I need to re-read both of them.

I'm not I can do justice to Blue Thing given my "nonsense of humor," as Flowers once said. :) I say this not due to feeling a lack of confidence in my own taste, but more out of a genuine befuddlement into what makes good comedy.

timing, repetition, and surprise buttsecks (http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/surprise-buttsecks.jpg)

[Creole Ned]

I will jinx myself by saying this, no doubt, but I still plan on getting a story in this month, albeit right under the wire. It may be a bit rough but I'm intent on sticking to the deadline. I'm sitting at around 3,000 words and should be able to finish it up tomorrow (the 31st). I spent most of the month being unsure what to even write. :P

The next exercise will go up on the 1st, as per usual.

[Creole Ned]

I'm in the Pacific timezone, so I'm coming in about 20 minutes before the deadline. Woo!

This is the third story I've written featuring The Chicago 8 superhero group (not to be confused with The Chicago 7 troublemakers).

At the suggestion of Q, I used an exercise I hadn't participated in -- Exercise 20, History Undone.

The Chicago 8 versus Time (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chicago8_vs_time.pdf)

[Creole Ned]

Ironically, the only feedback I've gotten so far on my entry is from jackrabbit. :P

[russellmz]

kael had to wait 23 days for my feedback!

[Creole Ned]

Heh, yeah, it's not a serious complaint. Like any writer, I'm just anxious for any feedback. :)

[russellmz]

creole ned review
"The Cobalt Sensation certainly was no dummy"

/me reads rest of story.

...

really? dr. bighead really needs to look up the word dummy...

i do like all the little jokes scattered throughout, but given a thousand people were saved and then lost again, i felt bad when the distress flares on the titanic went off and incredible reach thought about how restoring the timeline was the only thing they could have done. the moral dilemma was briefly touched upon, but it was done by a supporting character. maybe cobalt should have thought about the the time tampering consequences at that point instead of reach?

i liked the two to four people mutation line, but the description is kind of long (yes, i am a hypocrite).

hey neat, the titanic was sunk by a u-boat instead of her sister ship in the altered timeline? nice touch.

i also liked the butterfly effect being described as a bunch of hooey. cobalt seeing himself and thinking evil twin was great too, since it matched his earlier alternate universe lady landfill assumption.

when the first version of cobalt stops the iceberg, he hears a voice calling him. was that one of the time travellers or just a random detail? lady landfill's attempt to talk him out of it played out differently so it wasn't her yelling, was it?

what's the deal between cobalt and lady landfill? did they use to date?

[Creole Ned]

Thanks for the feedback, russell.

Addressing your points:

Good call on how Cobalt should be the one to realize the consequences of the time travel instead of The Incredible Reach.

The voice calling out to Cobalt was a random detail but I do like the ambiguity of who it might be.

The deal behind Cobalt and Landfill Lady is that he fancies himself a ladies man and she happens to think he oversells himself as a ladies man and to a lesser degree as a superhero. If you read the previous Chicago 8 story you'll see some of the same interplay between them there. The only way they'd date is in some nutty alternate universe -- maybe in the next story! :) Did you get that from the story or does my description of their relationship not match what you were picking up?

Thanks again for the feedback!

[russellmz]

Did you get that from the story or does my description of their relationship not match what you were picking up?

i'm too trope-centric when i read stories. so "girl hates boy" = going to start dating or already dated in my head.

[Creole Ned]

Heh, fair enough.