Exercise 34: April 2010

[Creole Ned]

Once again, your assignment is to write anything -- a short story, a novel excerpt, poetry, a really creative grocery list -- for the month of April and submit it to this thread for feedback.

Entries:

Cave of Ancestors (http://kael.civfanatics.net/files/CaveofAncestors.pdf) (Kael)
Mary (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/mary.pdf) (Jon_Danger)
How to Jump Out of a Moving Car (http://www.ridelust.com/just-in-case-heres-how-to-jump-out-of-a-moving-car/) (UpOnTwoWheels)
Chapter Two (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chapter_two.pdf) - unfinished (russell)

[Kael]

Download: Cave of Ancestors (http://kael.civfanatics.net/files/CaveofAncestors.pdf)

[Creole Ned]

Damn, you're fast. You get a full month's worth of feedback. :)

I will be attempting to get my next story done soon, but no promises on dates (I've learned).

[Jon_Danger]

I will be doing this. I have it finished, but I am just getting some feedback. I will email it early next week.

[Creole Ned]

Welcome aboard, Jon.

(Jon is from Quarter to Three, to those who may not recognize the name.)

[Kael]

Any feedback for my story?

[Creole Ned]

Soon!

I don't want to give a timeframe and then slip up on it, but I do plan on giving feedback in the next few days. I think you threw people off by getting your entry in so swiftly. :)

[russellmz]

Cave of Ancestors

spoileriffic (ending, plot twists, etc mentioned):

great ending, it was a real gut punch. i think it fit that she didn't have much time to make the choice and that the kid suggested it. did you have to decide between making her know she was pregnant before she went in vs finding out after she was in there? or just felt the first way was better?

the staff going into her hand didn't seem to surprise the main character. until i read later that the kid pushed it to her i thought you had made a continuity error. you may want to mention that the energy/spirit put into the staff is "life energy" or "soul energy" or whatever. i didn't think of it that way until the kid mentioned it.

most of the stuff i mention below are minor, the only thing i really think could need improvement is getting the kid and the main character to bond a little more before she finds out they are related. after she figures out she's his son they talk and bond, but some of that should happen earlier, i think. all she did was name him and ask him about the dangers in the cave.

the tone seems solemn and non-modern except for the part where she thinks
"great, i'm traveling with a six-year old necromancer." starting with "great" seems kind of modernish compared to the rest of the story.

the skeleton at the beginning maybe needs a little more detail? i know it's supposed to be a simple enemy the main character doesn't consider a major threat under normal circumstances, but i just pictured a plain old generic skeleton with sword. did it have scraps of flesh still on it? was it glowy? had armor?

the ribcage demon and the lazy demon were neat. the lazy demon was my favorite enemy, i liked how he just wanted to nap instead of fight (that's someone i can identify with). one small detail in that part of the story: she leaps, then she somehow knows he returned and locked the door.

the mid-air transport was cool. i liked how it was mentioned how it doesn't follow the physics of the game portal (speedy thing goes in, speedy thing goes out) due to skill.

[Creole Ned]

Jon's entry: Mary (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/mary.pdf)

[Jon_Danger]

I would also like to note that this is the first piece of real prose I have ever written. Be gentle. The only way from here is up.

Yada yada. (Thanks Ned for hosting it)

Also, I am reading through ancestors now, my thoughts tomorrow!

[Jon_Danger]

Are the lemures like the doldrums from the Phantom Tollbooth? That is what they reminded me of.

I really like the story a lot. Good writing, (there were some minor miss-spellings here and there.. but those don't matter) I didn't see the twist coming till right before it was suggested, it was perfectly paced.

[Kael]

Cave of Ancestors

spoileriffic (ending, plot twists, etc mentioned):

great ending, it was a real gut punch. i think it fit that she didn't have much time to make the choice and that the kid suggested it. did you have to decide between making her know she was pregnant before she went in vs finding out after she was in there? or just felt the first way was better?

the staff going into her hand didn't seem to surprise the main character. until i read later that the kid pushed it to her i thought you had made a continuity error. you may want to mention that the energy/spirit put into the staff is "life energy" or "soul energy" or whatever. i didn't think of it that way until the kid mentioned it.

most of the stuff i mention below are minor, the only thing i really think could need improvement is getting the kid and the main character to bond a little more before she finds out they are related. after she figures out she's his son they talk and bond, but some of that should happen earlier, i think. all she did was name him and ask him about the dangers in the cave.

the tone seems solemn and non-modern except for the part where she thinks
"great, i'm traveling with a six-year old necromancer." starting with "great" seems kind of modernish compared to the rest of the story.

the skeleton at the beginning maybe needs a little more detail? i know it's supposed to be a simple enemy the main character doesn't consider a major threat under normal circumstances, but i just pictured a plain old generic skeleton with sword. did it have scraps of flesh still on it? was it glowy? had armor?

the ribcage demon and the lazy demon were neat. the lazy demon was my favorite enemy, i liked how he just wanted to nap instead of fight (that's someone i can identify with). one small detail in that part of the story: she leaps, then she somehow knows he returned and locked the door.

the mid-air transport was cool. i liked how it was mentioned how it doesn't follow the physics of the game portal (speedy thing goes in, speedy thing goes out) due to skill.



I wanted her to find out in the cave because I wanted the reader to find out with her. I also wanted the reader to suspect that the boy was one of the caves traps so that the reveal would be all the more dramatic (they suspect the twist is that the boy will turn against her, keeping them blind to what is really happening).

You nailed both of my cheats. For the "great" line I knew it wasn't right but I couldn't figure out why. Now that you've explained it I understand why it wasn't striking my ear correctly.

As for the first person break with Accidia. Thats definitely a cheat. I love that character and wanted to tie him up before I left him, but I broke the wall to do it. I need to find a better way.

Great feedback, exactly what I needed.

Are the lemures like the doldrums from the Phantom Tollbooth? That is what they reminded me of.

I really like the story a lot. Good writing, (there were some minor miss-spellings here and there.. but those don't matter) I didn't see the twist coming till right before it was suggested, it was perfectly paced.

Don't know about the doldrums, Ive never read that. I dont know the source for the lemures, one of the challenges of creating in a world for 20+ years is that Ive forgotten where I stole things from. I suspect it probably came from something in Dante's Inferno.

[Kael]

Jon's entry: Mary (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/mary.pdf)

Character
Conflict
Conclusion

The imagery in this story is great. There are some really beautiful passages. I love the part about the silkworms, i love the comparison of lightning to the birth of the world. All excellent.

But let's look at the 3 C's. We have two characters, Yul and Mary. But they are both very bare characters. They is very little personality in each beyond the longing/perfection. A little color here to establish something interesting or personalizing about them may go a long way. Especially int he portrayal of Mary, the more specific Yul's thoughts for her the more we will feel his love for her.

The 2nd piece is the conflict. I think you do this well. You may be heighten the tension here by making the storms effects more visceral. Shaking the window as he deals with his pain, shattering the window to bring him out of his memories and force him back into the world. Just something to consider.

Conclusion. This is good. I don't know that the character has gone through any growth here but your imagery counts for a lot. The description of the storm moving out is excellent and satisfying. But I think it would be even better if the tension is increased as discussed in the proceeding paragraph.

Lastly I wonder if this story wouldn't be better in the first person. The narrators perspective is so close to Yul's anyway that it may be worth taking that final plunge and switching.

Keep writing!

[Jon_Danger]

Excellent feedback, I am totally enjoying this, and I will definitely work on the next one in a single sitting, that will help a lot.

[Creole Ned]

Cave of Ancestors feedback:

No spoiler tag here, so reader beware!

The sense of place in this story is excellent. I never felt any confusion about where the characters were, despite the constantly changing locale and the visual details were numerous and well-placed. The opening paragraph is a great attention-getter, providing both background and tension as the story gets underway.

I thought the mystery of Willim was handled well for the most part, establishing that there was some kind of connection between him and Tya but leaving off the big reveal until near the end. I did not suspect that the Willim was a trap, so if that was intended, it did not quite click with me. His ability to interact and not interact with the physical realm could probably be explained a little more clearly. As it is, it seemed mostly story-driven, rather than consistent within the world.

While Willim's sacrifice at the end is more an accident, it is still effectively touching once the relationship between him and Tya has been revealed. There is a can of worms waiting to be opened on why a presumably unborn child would appear as a six year old that then continues to apparently age while a ghost but I won't go into that because frankly I think the story still works without knowing all the behind-the-scenes explanations.

I'd be interested in hearing them, though. :)

Minor stuff that I made notes on while I was reading (russell also touched on some of these):

On page 2, "crocked smile" should be "crooked smile", unless I'm unaware of some archaic use of crooked.

Garath's hair is described as "boyish blond curls", possibly redundant since he is male, though maybe you are trying to make him appear younger than he is, in which case, ignore this!

On page 3 the necromancer line feels out of place in terms of tone. The story is presented with a rather serious tone throughout, but this line feels light and almost modern.

I loved the image of the milky eyes in the pool on page 4.

I'd shorten "The far tunnel blurred as tears from pain, frustration and panic filled my eyes" to simply "The far tunnel blurred as tears filled my eyes."

When you write "A bug dropped and fell into the pool. It was quickly pulled beneath by a hooked tendril." you may want to have Tya look back to see this, otherwise this seems a bit disjointed, as she has moved out of the chamber and wouldn't immediately be aware of what was happening back at the pool.

Page 5 - Willim is spelled William. On the same page there seems to be confusion about the tattoos. It reads as if you are describing left and right tattoos, but left is mentioned twice and right not at all.

Page 6 - pus, not puss. Unless her wound was oozing a cat. That would be impressive! :)

Page 9 -

I would change:

Maybe he would turn into a giant tusked worm. Even considering the thought tired him, and he shambled back to the sitting room for another nap before he committed himself to anything.

To:

Maybe he would turn into that giant tusked worm, after all.

Tya wouldn't be able to see what happened to the demon, so it's best to have it stop short. Alternately, you could make it so that Tya imagines that he goes back to resume his napping, getting the same effect without using the authorial cheat of actually showing it.

Page 10 - "Willim and I huddled behind the staircase, afraid to run to either hallway for fear the creature was come around the corner and see us." - "was" should be "would"

There was a bit of confusion with the Cadacus fight. Although he is presented as a large beast, the scale seems to change a bit on the fly. Tya can stand on his shoulder but then also kicks him in the knee, which would not seem immediately possible, given Cadacus's dimensions. I quite liked the imagery involving his stomach, though.

Overall, an excellent, well-paced read.

[Kael]

Amazing feedback! I only hope that I'm able to be as insightful when replying to others stories.

[Creole Ned]

Mary feedback:

As your first short story, I think this is a solid start. It is a mood piece, driven mainly by imagery and internal thought and some of the imagery is vividly drawn (more on this shortly). I agree with Kael that the first person perspective might work well here, given how intimately the story delves into Yul's mind.

The opening paragraph does a good job in reflecting the confusion of Yul as the storm wreaks its havoc as he tries to sleep. At this point I had no idea where the story was going or what it would be about, effectively keeping the reader as much in the dark as Yul, to good effect.

I liked the mix of "wild" imagery contrasted with the ordinary, where one moment a clap of thunder is compared to the violent birth of the universe and the next is simply a man fumbling with an alarm clock.

My biggest overall criticism would probably be that Yul is unchanged (which is not necessarily a negative), but at the same time the events of the night do not go far enough to make up for that. You could probably create a more harrowing experience for Yul to go through. His existence without Mary is painful and now the storm is making it worse by depriving him of sleep (and escape). The groundwork for this is already there, it just needs to be fleshed out some more.

I don't mean to have Bigfoot burst through the window to give Yul a wedgie or anything, though, just ratchet up the drama of the existing events a bit.

Various other things from my notes:

page 1- "The night air remained a stoic spectator to his panic." This reads awkwardly to me. Air doesn't really spectate. :)

page 2 - "Power lines were down in the streets, creating a deadly web of electricity that halted all who wanted [to] traverse them." This makes it sound as if people are trying to traverse the power lines, which could be a rather shocking experience.

"His right hand slowly crept over to the bedside table. Fumbling through the darkness, like a child learning to walk, he found what he was looking for."

I would change 'crept" to 'moved'. I otherwise get the image of a hand crawling along on its own, which would be nifty for a horror story, not so much here. The problem with the simile of a child learning to walk is that it conflicts with the actual image, which is of a man laying in bed. The laying/walk thing doesn't flow.

There was also some confusion where I thought Yul was reaching for the alarm clock when he is really reaching for the photograph. I'm not sure if the confusion was meant to be intentional, to reflect Yul's current state of mind, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

Describing a wall as a "shield of glass and brick" may be a bit too florid. A clap of thunder or a brilliant crack of lightning are dramatic things but a wall is just a wall (in this case).

page 3 - I would change:

Her weather reports would re-assure the assumption that the world would indeed be around for another week, rain and all.

to:

Her weather reports would reassure the world that it would indeed be around for another week, rain and all.

In keeping with the story staying close with Yul's thoughts, I would change:

Her eyes would meet with yours, and you knew that everything was right with the world.

to:

Her eyes would meet with his, and he knew that everything was right with the world.

"maybe that is why Yul attended the evening weather report like a weekly mass" is a terrific image.

To avoid repetition of the word "thunderstorm" I would change:

When Yul was a child, he was especially afraid of thunderstorms.

to:

When Yul was a child, he was especially afraid of them.

I am unclear on what the lie is at the bottom of page 3. The radar blip imagery is good.

page 5 - should be "complemented", not "complimented".

As I said at the start, this is a solid first effort and I'm confident you'll continue to improve if you keep at it.

[Creole Ned]

I've looked over the unfinished story I was going to revise and submit, but re-reading it left me cold. I am pondering what to do next. I may revive a different unfinished piece or wait for inspiration to strike me like a ceramic pot nudged off a shelf and onto my noggin and write something new.

[Kael]

Don't wait for inspiration. Grab a writing prompt and produce something, you may be surprised what you come up with.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Greetings all - it's been a while. I haven't been posting, mainly because I'm actually making a living at writing these days. I am a card carrying journalist, a member of the fifth estate, lead writer for an esteemed automotive publication called RideLust.

Here's my submission for the month, with a bit of link whoring thrown in. Please feel free to comment as you see fit.

Just In Case, Here's How To Jump Out Of A Moving Car (http://www.ridelust.com/just-in-case-heres-how-to-jump-out-of-a-moving-car/)

[Kael]

@UpOn2Wheels

I like the reference article better. The personal story makes it more impacting, the introduction of daydreaming about action packed lives is a better lead in where your article starts by pointing out the information the article is about to impart isn't useful. And the actual guidelines are presented better, with the bolded lines rather than having them lost in the paragraphs.

I liked the joke about walking away like a badass in the original article, in yours I liked the jokes about how much for the women, and the presidential election.

The writing itself is fine, clear language, easy to understand. Your use of humor is excellent. I just don't think your article has the hook that the reference article did. You never give us a reason to read (ghosts of James Dean aside).

I will say that I dont have any experience with this type of article. So Im just offering one guys opinion, not pretending to be any sort of expert.

[UpOn2Wheels]

@UpOn2Wheels

I like the reference article better. The personal story makes it more impacting, the introduction of daydreaming about action packed lives is a better lead in where your article starts by pointing out the information the article is about to impart isn't useful. And the actual guidelines are presented better, with the bolded lines rather than having them lost in the paragraphs.

I liked the joke about walking away like a badass in the original article, in yours I liked the jokes about how much for the women, and the presidential election.

The writing itself is fine, clear language, easy to understand. Your use of humor is excellent. I just don't think your article has the hook that the reference article did. You never give us a reason to read (ghosts of James Dean aside).

I will say that I dont have any experience with this type of article. So Im just offering one guys opinion, not pretending to be any sort of expert.

Thanks Kael!

My problem with the original article was that it contained more art than content. Useful information like "don't try to stand up while you're still skipping across the pavement at 30 mph" was excluded, probably because the author was never in that situation.

[Creole Ned]

Hey Up, congratulations on the writing gig.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Hey Up, congratulations on the writing gig.

Thanks Ned! Loving every minute of it - turns out this is what I should have been doing my whole life. Now I just need to figure out how to make more money at it.

[Creole Ned]

At this point I don't think there's anything specific I was destined to do, but a writing gig would be good. :)

[Creole Ned]

Note that the May exercise will be multiple choice!

[Creole Ned]

russell is in under the wire with his unfinished Chapter Two (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chapter_two.pdf).

[Creole Ned]

Feedback on Chapter Two (russell):

Short and unfinished, so this piece reads more as a tease but overall I found the tone and style consistent with the other stories/chapters set in the universe you've created (do you have a name for it, by the way?).

I didn't find any general problems with the story. The battle (or shelling and set-up, as the actual fighting doesn't take place before the piece ends) is clearly drawn, with nice imagery -- the hill being pounded, the brown smoke and claps of thunder, the kinetic rounds plunging down. I thought a little bit more could have been done with the kinetic round that malfunctioned. It was presented in such a way that it may have been a common occurrence but it was also set up as new tech, so the short shrift given to the malfunction felt a bit off.

There were a couple times where I wasn't sure who was talking but a quick re-scan made it clear, so I'm unsure if this is a problem with my aged brain or the writing. I thought I'd toss it out there, anyway.

A couple of minor quibbles:

- strike either 'hit' or 'pound' here:

Explosions, less thorough than earlier, continued to hit pound the hill.

- This reads a bit awkwardly to me, having the omniscient narrator enter the minds of both people simultaneously. I'd suggest changing 'Which was bullshit, they both thought' to 'Which they both knew was bullshit':

"They popped her in to take 110's slot at the last second to bring up to strength. Guess they figure one clone is as good as another." Which was bullshit, they both thought.

I think that was about it. Short and sweet!