Exercise 33: March 2010

[Creole Ned]

Your task, should you choose it, is to complete a work of short fiction in the month of March and submit it for feedback. I guarantee at the very least that I will look at it and encourage others to do so.

Note: If you submit something for feedback but offer none on other submissions you are a BAD PERSON and will be known throughout the land as such!

Entries:

The Candy Shop (Kael) -- link removed by request
Untitled entry (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chapter_one.pdf) (russell)

[Kael]

What email address should we send our submissions to?

[Creole Ned]

creolened@gmail.com

[Creole Ned]

Kael is in with his submission, The Candy Shop.

[Creole Ned]

Kael, I will have feedback on your entry tomorrow (Friday). I want to give your story the time it needs and have been a bit swamped as of late.

[Kael]

Kael, I will have feedback on your entry tomorrow (Friday). I want to give your story the time it needs and have been a bit swamped as of late.

No stress, I know its all for fun (this won't reflect well in your annual review!).

[russellmz]

kael
i like how you show amelie is motherly to artan and how she's smart enough to know not to ask her dad for more candy on the way to the shop.

"a Occisor"? latin for murderer according to google. is hamish a demon type called occisor or a human serial killer? i thought more demon since an altar provides protection and his suit survives. (oh cripes, hamish's suit was freaky)

"Amelie was already out of bed throwing on her shoes and coat."

i like a girl of action. plus the first thing she tries is to get help from her dad. the father not waking up due to booze was convenient though as is no one else waking up when she's yelling for help.

you might want to mention the snowfall a little earlier, before it was needed to show artan's tracks. the porch creaks she never heard before were a nice detail that ups the tension.

i'd read more to see what happens if i was reading this in a bookstore.

[Creole Ned]

Okay, I'm not going to give specific dates on anything I do anymore, because I am constantly being thwarted by events when I do. :P

Apologies for being late with the feedback, but here it is, finally!

Kael, The Candy Shop:

First, this is the prettiest looking story I've seen, so top marks on a visually pleasing presentation. :)

There are several points in the story where I thought it was heading in a particular direction and then it shifted. I'm not sure if they were deliberately done to lead the reader into thinking the story was going one way when it was really going another. At first the story felt like it might be about child abuse or at least a dysfunctional family when in the church Amelie thinks about how "her father was sober and kind and the three of them were, for a little while, a happy family."

The story then switches to the fantastical with the vision of the angel, though it becomes quickly apparent that it is not merely a vision. The father's drinking is then shown to be more of a plot device that keeps him from participating in the events to come than anything more substantive -- which demonstrates that you have covered your bases here in keeping him out of the picture from this point of the story forward, even if it is a little convenient.

The third switch comes when Hamish (a puntastic name, as it turns out) is shown to not merely be an evil man, as the angel warns (suggesting that Hamish is a child abductor) but one wrapped up in ritual sacrifice, mutilation and other fun things.

The character of Amelie feels authentic and her behavior is believable as the elder child looking out for her younger sibling. Artan is perhaps understandably not sketched as thoroughly and while I could buy into his impulsive and restless behavior (demonstrated by his swinging feet in the church to devouring the apple to lunging out with the knife at the end instead of staying in contact with the altar) I had trouble buying into why he would get up in the middle of the night and head off to the candy shop. There needed to be more groundwork laid for that to be believable, I think. russell posted while I was writing this but I agree with a few things he said. The falling snow should be mentioned earlier. In fact, the season itself isn't really described at all so the first mention of snow is when we discover it is winter.

I like some of the foreshadowing such as the angel telling Amelie how to make herself safe by touching the altar and the large sections of story with little to no dialogue work well, with nice visuals ranging from the church's "dusty lofts" to the brightly decorated titular candy shop.

Hamish's living meat suit was suitably grisly but (and I admit this is may just be the way my mind works, so whether it is a valid criticism is certainly open to question) I wasn't convinced it would actually be feasible to do such a thing and keep the mutilated person alive. If there is meant to be a supernatural element to it, it could be made more obvious.

The end scene in the church is suitably chilling and Artan reaching out with the knife to protect his sister and unwittingly sacrificing himself in the process is a nice gut punch to the reader. :)

There were a few typos here and there but nothing terribly egregious.

I feel like I've missed on some things I wanted to mention but I think my brain already jumped ahead to daylight savings time so I may come back to this later.

Bottom line: A good story with nice imagery, a well-drawn central character but with a few details that could be worked on to smooth the story out.

[Kael]

kael
i like how you show amelie is motherly to artan and how she's smart enough to know not to ask her dad for more candy on the way to the shop.

"a Occisor"? latin for murderer according to google. is hamish a demon type called occisor or a human serial killer? i thought more demon since an altar provides protection and his suit survives. (oh cripes, hamish's suit was freaky)

"Amelie was already out of bed throwing on her shoes and coat."

i like a girl of action. plus the first thing she tries is to get help from her dad. the father not waking up due to booze was convenient though as is no one else waking up when she's yelling for help.

you might want to mention the snowfall a little earlier, before it was needed to show artan's tracks. the porch creaks she never heard before were a nice detail that ups the tension.

i'd read more to see what happens if i was reading this in a bookstore.

An occisor is a worshiper of Aeron, god of blood. The context for this (and other short stories I may post) is that Im working on a book of short stories that are loosely intertwined. The Candy Shop is background for a longer story that takes place about 40 years later. Reading the collection as a whole will make it clear what as occisor is, but its important that I dont get so steeped in lore that it confuses the reader.

I want the reader to wonder about these references, not be frustrated by them. So im interested to hear what your take on it was. This story has a few when it drops references about the speaker and literal.

Okay, I'm not going to give specific dates on anything I do anymore, because I am constantly being thwarted by events when I do. :P

Apologies for being late with the feedback, but here it is, finally!

Kael, The Candy Shop:

First, this is the prettiest looking story I've seen, so top marks on a visually pleasing presentation. :)

There are several points in the story where I thought it was heading in a particular direction and then it shifted. I'm not sure if they were deliberately done to lead the reader into thinking the story was going one way when it was really going another. At first the story felt like it might be about child abuse or at least a dysfunctional family when in the church Amelie thinks about how "her father was sober and kind and the three of them were, for a little while, a happy family."

The story then switches to the fantastical with the vision of the angel, though it becomes quickly apparent that it is not merely a vision. The father's drinking is then shown to be more of a plot device that keeps him from participating in the events to come than anything more substantive -- which demonstrates that you have covered your bases here in keeping him out of the picture from this point of the story forward, even if it is a little convenient.

The third switch comes when Hamish (a puntastic name, as it turns out) is shown to not merely be an evil man, as the angel warns (suggesting that Hamish is a child abductor) but one wrapped up in ritual sacrifice, mutilation and other fun things.

The character of Amelie feels authentic and her behavior is believable as the elder child looking out for her younger sibling. Artan is perhaps understandably not sketched as thoroughly and while I could buy into his impulsive and restless behavior (demonstrated by his swinging feet in the church to devouring the apple to lunging out with the knife at the end instead of staying in contact with the altar) I had trouble buying into why he would get up in the middle of the night and head off to the candy shop. There needed to be more groundwork laid for that to be believable, I think. russell posted while I was writing this but I agree with a few things he said. The falling snow should be mentioned earlier. In fact, the season itself isn't really described at all so the first mention of snow is when we discover it is winter.

I like some of the foreshadowing such as the angel telling Amelie how to make herself safe by touching the altar and the large sections of story with little to no dialogue work well, with nice visuals ranging from the church's "dusty lofts" to the brightly decorated titular candy shop.

Hamish's living meat suit was suitably grisly but (and I admit this is may just be the way my mind works, so whether it is a valid criticism is certainly open to question) I wasn't convinced it would actually be feasible to do such a thing and keep the mutilated person alive. If there is meant to be a supernatural element to it, it could be made more obvious.

The end scene in the church is suitably chilling and Artan reaching out with the knife to protect his sister and unwittingly sacrificing himself in the process is a nice gut punch to the reader. :)

There were a few typos here and there but nothing terribly egregious.

I feel like I've missed on some things I wanted to mention but I think my brain already jumped ahead to daylight savings time so I may come back to this later.

Bottom line: A good story with nice imagery, a well-drawn central character but with a few details that could be worked on to smooth the story out.

Excellent feedback (from both of you, I appreciate it so much).

Both the hanging man and Artan's draw to the candy shop are supernatural. The hanging man being supernatural should be clear from the context I mentioned above. The draw of Artan to the candy shop was cut because it seemed more interesting to stay in Amelie's head throughout. There is a slight hint with Artan bugging Amelie for any leftover candy, but it is tiny.

I will definitely smooth out the edges you both mentioned. Part of the problem of knowing the complete story before I start writing is that it does make it to tight to be believable at times. I need to work on loosening it up a little so it feels more real. The points about the snow are great.

I hadnt intended the passed out father to be a plot device. In the beginning I specifically stated that Amelie was like a mother to Artan. But I cut all that and tried to show, not tell. I was trying to use the passed out father to drive that point home, that Artan only really has Amelie to watch out for him. But I think you are right that having him passed out is to cliche and convienant.

I thought about having him awake but unhelpful. But given the evidence that Artan is gone its hard to believe he wouldn't do something. Having him away at work seemed even more contrived.

Maybe I need her to talk to a neighbor adult who ignores her. That would shadow Verchiel's story nicely and might make it seem more realistic. I'll have to think about that.

Im off to work on a new draft from your feedback. Thanks again!

[Creole Ned]

russell's short untitled entry (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chapter_one.pdf) is in.

[Kael]

russell's short untitled entry (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/chapter_one.pdf) is in.

It's hard to offer much meaningful feedback here as the story isn't complete. There is no context to be able to tell if the details are valid or not.

It's good writing in that I was interested and wanted to keep reading.

For constructive critism I would say that there are some ackward sentences. The kind of stuff thats usually smoothed out in later drafts. For example:

Although the brass nameplate on the desk in front of her shined like a treasure for her to take, she resisted.

I like that she is introduced with the history of theft and I assume this is pointing out that she is a kleptomaniac. I really like the implication that cloning may pickup these hidden undesirable traits. But this sentence is to explicit, what does "shined like a treasure" even mean? Does brass have multiple ways to shine? I know you are trying to show that she has the urge to steal it. But I think this is a clumsy way to do it.

Maybe something like: "She admired the brass nameplate on the desk and momentarily regreted that she didn't have her purse with her. Would the officer notice if his nameplate was gone? Margaret forced the thoughts from her mind and studied the rest of the office instead, refusing to look at the gleaming nameplate."

Another ackward sentance is:

The officer hurried in. Mills stood as soon as he walked in and performed the appropriate military courtesies.

This sounds like you as the author don't know what a soldier does in that situation. Since the reader also doesn't know what appropriate in this setting they are left wondering what just happened. It's a story mad lib. It may be best to say something like: "Mills jumped to attention as the officer hurried in."

I want to read more, keep writing.

[russellmz]

I like that she is introduced with the history of theft and I assume this is pointing out that she is a kleptomaniac. I really like the implication that cloning may pickup these hidden undesirable traits. But this sentence is to explicit, what does "shined like a treasure" even mean? Does brass have multiple ways to shine? I know you are trying to show that she has the urge to steal it. But I think this is a clumsy way to do it.

Maybe something like: "She admired the brass nameplate on the desk and momentarily regreted that she didn't have her purse with her. Would the officer notice if his nameplate was gone? Margaret forced the thoughts from her mind and studied the rest of the office instead, refusing to look at the gleaming nameplate."



you got a good eye: you picked the spots i had trouble with!



This sounds like you as the author don't know what a soldier does in that situation.

heh, guilty. plus, i wanted to compress the whole through the stand up, salute, return salute, "at ease" in one sentence.

Since the reader also doesn't know what appropriate in this setting they are left wondering what just happened. It's a story mad lib. It may be best to say something like: "Mills jumped to attention as the officer hurried in."



i'll try and clean up this sentence and the one above.


I want to read more, keep writing.

thanks! it's part of a novel i'm working on. i hope to finish it one day.

[Kael]

2 days left, come on Ned! :)

[Creole Ned]

Yeah, I may get mine in under the wire. If not, it'll be an early entry for April.

[Paladin]

Kael,

I loved the story, and agree with pretty much everything Russell and Ned said. As much as I'm generally a sucker for a happy ending, I like how you had Artan and Amelie's roles reverse with him becoming the protector. It's especially tragic because of him giving up his protection from the altar when he apparently would have been safe as well if he hadn't.


Russell ,

Short but sweet. It's more of a snapshot of a moment rather than a full story, but I liked it. You manage details well. On issue is how the psyche test managed to miss the kleptomania, even when it's probably in her school file. I'd like to see where you take this story, because it looks like a snapshot of an idea which could follow this recruit much further - a'la Starship Troopers.

[Kael]

I assume we will be getting an April thread to post our April submissions?

[russellmz]

Russell ,

Short but sweet. It's more of a snapshot of a moment rather than a full story, but I liked it. You manage details well. On issue is how the psyche test managed to miss the kleptomania, even when it's probably in her school file. I'd like to see where you take this story, because it looks like a snapshot of an idea which could follow this recruit much further - a'la Starship Troopers.

thanks paladin. i wish i could say i planned it, but when i googled kleptomania it turns out there's no known test or cause.

i also would like to know where this story goes :)