Exercise 31: The Storm

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 31: The Storm

Write a story about a storm.

Due Monday, January 25th.

Entries:

March Ascent (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/march_ascent.pdf) (UpOn2Wheels)
Rainy Day (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/rainy_day.pdf) (Ned)
Storm (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/shortstorm3.pdf) (russell)
Untitled intro (http://www.paladinsplayroom.com/stories/Untitled.pdf) (Paladin)

[UpOn2Wheels]

Roger.

Mine will be based on an actual event that happened in my college days. Back when I had more balls than common sense.

On second thought, I still don't have much common sense...

[Acid]

On it.

[Creole Ned]

UpOn2Wheels is in way early with his entry:

March Ascent (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/march_ascent.pdf)

[Budly]

Your climbing scale is out of whack. 5.3 does not fall between 5.0-5.14. Otherwise, nice quick read, and yeah, stupid. :P I've done some stupid stuff just like it and it really brought back some "oh shit" moment feelings.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Your climbing scale is out of whack. 5.3 does not fall between 5.0-5.14. Otherwise, nice quick read, and yeah, stupid. :P I've done some stupid stuff just like it and it really brought back some "oh shit" moment feelings.

Au contrare - the scale goes 5.0, 5.1, 5.2, 5.3, etc., and maxes out at 5.14. Yes I know this is mathematically incorrect, but that's the way it's always been.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grade_(climbing)

Not to sound old or anything, but in my climbing days the scale maxed out at 5.12. Anything more difficult was considered unclimbable without the use of aid (sling ladders called 'etriers', etc.).

[russellmz]

my entry will be late, i only got an idea i liked today :0

the story was fine but i don't know anything about climbing so i had to reread a few times to figure out what belay on/off meant.

the narrator states the obvious about the spectacular view but then says he plays captain obvious for the 'this is not good line.' was bruce stating the obvious when he said there was a storm coming?

aside from the view was there any other reason they/you wanted to risk going up the mountain? i'm a very risk adverse person so it blows my mind when someone does something dangerous outside of war or rescue.

[UpOn2Wheels]

my entry will be late, i only got an idea i liked today :0

the story was fine but i don't know anything about climbing so i had to reread a few times to figure out what belay on/off meant.

the narrator states the obvious about the spectacular view but then says he plays captain obvious for the 'this is not good line.' was bruce stating the obvious when he said there was a storm coming?

aside from the view was there any other reason they/you wanted to risk going up the mountain? i'm a very risk adverse person so it blows my mind when someone does something dangerous outside of war or rescue.

"This is not good" was me referring to the weather, which had deteriorated significantly in the span of one pitch.

The story was based on an actual event in my past. The climb was real, the chunk of ice was real, the storm was real - only the dialogue was a rough approximate of what went down that day. I had a thinderstorm roll in on an earlier climb of the "Third"; nothing like being the only exposed thing on a rock face in a thunderstorm. Especially if you're loaded down with aluminum carabiners and chocks. Good times...

Why climb? I'm not sure I can answer that, except to say I've always enjoyed taking calculated risks.

[Creole Ned]

Technically a day late but here is my entry in storminess. I should warn it was written over two sessions and is very much a first draft. If you feel like line-editing along with critiquing, be my guest. :)

Rainy Day (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/rainy_day.pdf)

[Kael]

I hate posting feedback when I didn't finish a story. But I couldnt finish Rainy Day. After three pages of introductions and perspective switch after switch I was done. It was writing to write. You went through the two starting characters, the square, preston manners, mary marpole, jeremy sanderson and I was lost.

I think a fixed perspective would help here.

[Creole Ned]

Yikes. I've never had someone not even finish a story. Thanks for the partial feedback...I think. :)

(I don't disagree necessarily and the Marpole stuff actually ended up not really tying into anything else and could have been removed. I'm curious to see if others have the same trouble keeping track.)

[Kael]

Sorry if that came off as harsh. I like your writing, I just think that story could use some fixing.

[Creole Ned]

Well, you said you couldn't even finish it. That alone says pretty much everything.

EDIT: And to prove I'm neither surprised nor offended, here is a scan of the notepad I used when I started losing track of everything myself!

http://creolened.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/scribblings.jpg

[Creole Ned]

Feedback!

UpOn2Wheels:

The only thing I know about mountain climbing is that it's something I would never do. :P

I did have a friend who climbed a fair bit (I use the past tense not because he eventually plunged to his death but because he moved back to the island and we lost contact) so I am vaguely familiar with the equipment.

I think you did a good job in making the story feel very authentic (since it was based on a real incident, you had a nice leg-up there) and I was able to get most of the terminology from the context but I felt "belay" could have been explained a bit better. Maybe that was just me. The weird scale might warrant a brief note, too, since it looks like a numbers error to the climbing illiterate. :)

russell's nitpick about the dialogue is one I noticed, too so I won't belabor that.

It may have been because the story was so short but I felt the danger of the storm was not fully presented. While you said it came up swiftly, the build-up might have been played out a little longer. Also, the parenthetical aside referring to the cost of the rope ("probably half our net worth back in the day") undercuts the tension by making the reader realize this is more of a recollection from youth than something that is actively happening. It's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on how you are framing the story.

Overall, it was a solid slice of "why do people do such crazy things?" life. A slightly expanded version would be even better, IMO.

[Acid]

Ugh. missed another one. Tech problems with a major computer re-haul in my house, plus a few paying jobs. I want more time to write CREATIVELY dammit

[Paladin]

I hate to turn in something unfinished, and this is barely even started, but I'd rather turn in something than nothing. It was the beginning for my for my entry for the last zombie theme. Fortunately, it fits the storm theme just as well.

Untitled intro (http://www.paladinsplayroom.com/stories/Untitled.pdf)

It was going to be my first attempt at writing a story from the first person perspective. I whipped this porton out in an evening, then couldn't find anywhere interesting to go with it.

[Creole Ned]

Unfinished is better than unstarted. :) It's fitting that you contributed, as this exercise was your idea!

russell is in with his entry as well. It doesn't seem to have a title so I'm cleverly calling it Storm (http://creolened.com/fiction/exercises/shortstorm3.pdf).

[Creole Ned]

I will have feedback on the other two entries later today.

I would appreciate it if someone -- anyone! -- offered more feedback on mine.

[Paladin]

I would appreciate it if someone -- anyone! -- offered more feedback on mine.

I read it. There are too many characters and character switches for my taste was well, but I'm not sure you could have structured the story to include all the various incidents without having multiple character perspective. The best thing I think you can do to clean that up is remove the names of most of the minor characters... the bagboy, the cashier and maybe even the store manager probably don't need anything beyond their titles. Mabel could probably be dispensed with altogether too.

The reaction of the guys to Jim's death also seemed very out of place. I guess you were going for making him just be an acquaintance of Henry and Simon, but I would have expected some level of reaction beyond what there was. It was almost:

Simon said "Looks like Jim's dead."
Henry adjusted his cap and spat on the ground before replying "Yup. Dead."

It was just too non-chalant. I can't even say they seemed callous, it was just as if nearly being run over and then seeing someone they at least knew die was so completely normal for them that it didn't warrant more than idle interest.

I did really like the overall plot of the story. I don't think you really needed Preston at all. He seemed to be mostly to be able to provide confirmation in the narrative that "something" was going on at the nuclear plant and that it was "probably" military. I just don't think the readers actually needed that bit of information within the context of this story. That "something" was happing was obvious, and the military angle really wasn't needed given that the story didn't move on to explore that theme. Just having something released from the nuclear plant, creating a freak storm and turning the citizens of nearby town into homicidal maniacs covers the plot by itself.

[Creole Ned]

Thanks for the feedback, Paladin. I think you've actually broken down all the problems with the story quite well and I can't say I disagree with any of them.

"Rainy Day" is one of those stories that really ran away from me as it progressed but I steamed ahead in full NaNoWriMo mode because I was writing under the wire and wanted to work with the deadline instead of letting it slide, so I really didn't do anything after I finished it except quickly proof for errors.

Preston is an interesting example of a character coming out completely differently in the actual writing than in the "mulling things over" stage before your fingers hit the keyboard. The note on his character before I began was "hermit doesn't come out for weekly shopping due to rain". As we both noted, the character of Mabel doesn't really connect to anything else in the story and is superfluous.

Over the next few days I'm going to tackle a re-write and may gently cajole you to read it, if you don't mind.

I'll be posting feedback on yours and russell's pieces shortly.

[Creole Ned]

More feedback.

Paladin, Untitled Intro:

You tease, ending where you did. :)

First, I think this is the strongest piece of storycrafting I've seen you submit and I'd be interested in seeing where you go with the story.

My only real criticism is in terms of grammar -- there are a number of sloppy errors (the first paragraph is especially bad) that suggest you skipped the proofreading or were distracted by zombies or something while doing it. But these are the kinds of things that can be easily fixed.

A few quibbles I'll mention: "Dawn broke as it always did" states the obvious and could be cut. The fourth paragraph mentions shielding glasses then mentions shielding eyes. The two could probably be combined or one of them dropped.

Onto the good: The story construction is strong. The scenario unfolds quickly and neatly, and there is an economy in the description of events that works well. The twist with the blood is unexpected in what initially seems like a take on "The Day After Tomorrow". Unlike my entry, it is always clear what is happening here, even as things take a turn for the weird. The opening line is effective in grabbing the reader's attention and enticing him to read on to find out just how the world "ends".

And then it all ends just as things get going. Curses!


russell, Storm:

The beginning of the story threw me, as my mind kept wanting to think it was set during the Korean War instead of as a near-future scenario. I'm not sure if this was deliberate on your part or not. Or maybe I'm too dumb to pick up on the cues you put in (I wasn't really tipped off until I read "The private knew the amount
of food she gave him could feed a North Korean family for a day.")

The one other confusing bit was mentioning Jenkis speaking in English initially but leaving it unclear if he and the others continue to speak English or not. I suppose it doesn't really impact the story either way but it stayed in the back of my mind as I read.

I like the general premise -- helping a wounded enemy soldier at great risk to oneself -- and the interactions between Park, her son and the soldier are grounded and believable. "He could see the cherries of their lit ciragettes [sic]" is a nice image. "Neighbors reporting neighbors for dissent or jokes about Dear Leader's hairdo kept everyone in North Korea paranoid" is probably unnecessary as you either make the assumption the reader knows enough about North Korea to understand its state-sponsored paranoia or knows so little that even more would need to be explained.

Jenkis' explanation of the explosion not being a nuke reads a bit awkwardly to me, as if he's not so much talking to the other characters as he is explaining what happened to the reader. It could probably be smoothed over to better fill both roles.

The final paragraph is something I'd normally never object to -- a neatly tied-up ending. But in this case the piece is so short -- sort of "slice of life" -- that the detailed ending seems unneeded. That may just be a preference thing on my part.

Continuing with the unofficial theme for this exercise, I think expanding on this would improve it. My story is probably the only one of the bunch that would get better by being shortened. :P

[russellmz]

thanks for the feedback, ned. i had just read a ny times article on north korea and they had some nice details, like that song quote at the beginning.

i admit the ending was a bit too tidy, but i figured the mother deserved some sort of reward for taking her risk.


sorry it took so long for me to get to yours.

i was perversely amused at the moment when the mom questioned herself and the next instant she punched her attacking daughter in the face. although her kids attacked her, i still don't think she would abandon them. at least she would scream at them or try and talk to them.

otherwise, that part was freaky. normal kids turning into killers alway scared me.

what was the rule for getting turned? it seemed like the tall manager got turned quickly while others took longer in the rain. amount of rain?

i liked the lighting of the store on fire, although the crowd needed to be more menacing. jeremy seemed to get that they were all zombie crazy a bit too quickly, and that the rain was what was dangerous.

jeremy should have done one or two things more to try and get ralph to come with him. i know time was of the essence and ralph would be dead weight but jeremy doesn't seem that combat pragmatic.

otherwise, i agree about there being too many characters as pointed out by paladin.

[russellmz]

untitled intro - paladin

the biggest problem is it's unfinished. but at least we were warned that it was an intro :). i liked the detail of failure of the doorman and janitor to keep things clean and organized matching the city's infrastructure failing as a whole.

the ending detail about the city screaming was great. was it actually everyone screaming or the storm becoming louder? i think it was people screaming.

you describe the storm as a nor'easter blowing in from the northeast, which doesn't sound right since it repeats. maybe change that to coming in from new england or something like that?

[Paladin]

untitled intro - paladin

the biggest problem is it's unfinished. but at least we were warned that it was an intro :). i liked the detail of failure of the doorman and janitor to keep things clean and organized matching the city's infrastructure failing as a whole.

the ending detail about the city screaming was great. was it actually everyone screaming or the storm becoming louder? i think it was people screaming.

you describe the storm as a nor'easter blowing in from the northeast, which doesn't sound right since it repeats. maybe change that to coming in from new england or something like that?

Yeah, I reread it again the other night and noticed that I'd called it a winter storm but set the story in July...

Oh well, I have two stories I want to revisit. This is one of them. One of the two will hopefully be fleshed out enough to warrent submission for March.

[Creole Ned]

i was perversely amused at the moment when the mom questioned herself and the next instant she punched her attacking daughter in the face. although her kids attacked her, i still don't think she would abandon them. at least she would scream at them or try and talk to them.

otherwise, that part was freaky. normal kids turning into killers alway scared me.

what was the rule for getting turned? it seemed like the tall manager got turned quickly while others took longer in the rain. amount of rain?

i liked the lighting of the store on fire, although the crowd needed to be more menacing. jeremy seemed to get that they were all zombie crazy a bit too quickly, and that the rain was what was dangerous.

jeremy should have done one or two things more to try and get ralph to come with him. i know time was of the essence and ralph would be dead weight but jeremy doesn't seem that combat pragmatic.

otherwise, i agree about there being too many characters as pointed out by paladin.
Good points all around. The one specific question I can answer is the rule for getting turned. It was pretty simple: if the rain touched your exposed skin, you got turned. That's why the story was set during the summer, to better facilitate that. :) I had hoped that Simon having the silver residue on his arms after stepping into the rain would be a good "early warning" but maybe it was too vague?

Overall this is probably the most "raw" of any story I submitted, written in a rush at the last minute and turned in with essentially no editing. In a way I'm glad I did it this way because the feedback has been pretty clear in pointing out the glaring weaknesses that further drafts probably would have fixed.

Thanks for the feedback!

[russellmz]

Good points all around. The one specific question I can answer is the rule for getting turned. It was pretty simple: if the rain touched your exposed skin, you got turned. That's why the story was set during the summer, to better facilitate that. :) I had hoped that Simon having the silver residue on his arms after stepping into the rain would be a good "early warning" but maybe it was too vague?


i got rain = bad pretty easily, but i was wondering amounts and length of time. the manager turned really quickly. simon punched out the firefighter, who appeared normal but even in his equipment should have got a little wet unless he was fully decked out.

[Creole Ned]

Yeah, I imagined the firefighter fully decked out and basically immune. I figured the rain would have its effect within a few moments of exposure and maybe more exposed skin would equal a more severe and quicker transformation.

In truth, the story was written in such a blur I didn't give enough thought to the transformation process. Something to add to the to-do list when I do a rewrite.