Exercise 28: Zombie

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 28: Zombie

One word: zombies.
Two choices for format: story or poem.

Due Saturday, October 31st (naturally)

Entries:
That'll Help the Ratings (http://creolened.com/fiction/thatll_help_the_ratings.pdf) (UpOnTwoWheels)
weaksauce zombies (http://creolened.com/fiction/weaksauce_zombies.pdf) (russell)

[UpOn2Wheels]

Why not both?

Here's a few haikus until I get the story done.

You were once my friend
But now you've eaten my dog
Eat hot lead, zombie

I love you, my man
But you're not eating my brain
Chainsaw solves problem

Slow zombie or fast
Aimpoint gun sight does not care
Bright target picture

When you need the best
To dispatch pesky zombies
Springfield M-1-A

[Creole Ned]

I may actually end up going with a poem if I can't get a story done by deadline. I want to have the deck cleared for November.

It's hard to go wrong with a zombie haiku.

Shopping at the mall
And then the zombies show up
Consumerism

[Creole Ned]

UpOnTwoWheels is first again with That'll Help the Ratings (http://creolened.com/fiction/thatll_help_the_ratings.pdf).

[Bugzy]

Note to self: Never EVER read UpOnTwoWheels stories at midnight ever again... :eek: that was a scary story. To me at least. I liked it. Great job. :D

[Creole Ned]

russell's entry: weaksauce zombies (http://creolened.com/fiction/weaksauce_zombies.pdf)

[UpOn2Wheels]

russell Good read! Nothing to add, but on a personal preference level I'd have liked a little more buildup to the Ickie horde. One minute the animals got quiet, the next a horde of zombies was advancing. I think building a little more suspense would have worked well here.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Note to self: Never EVER read UpOnTwoWheels stories at midnight ever again... :eek: that was a scary story. To me at least. I liked it. Great job. :D

Thanks! Want to know what's REALLY frightening? The Detlov Pass incident referred to in the beginning of the story actually happened. There's a good write-up in Wikipedia, and an excellent one on the Fortean Times website.

[Bugzy]

:eek: Creepy...

[Paladin]

Upon2wheels

Good read. Loved the attention to detail, although for it's length, I kind of expected more to happen over the course of the story. Maybe a tad too much setup between the story pitch and actually getting to the exploring. I also thought the camp belonging to the scientist with it's notes and rifle was a bit too conveinent. I would have liked to have seen the group left completely to their own devices, and I would have liked to see them have to get through the upcoming night. Kudos for the original cast. It was nice to see a zombie story with something other than trained soldiers or rednecks. It was nice that they had enough information going into it to be alert for warning signs, yet skeptical enough to not jump to the right conclusion. I've watched that "Destination Truth" on Sci-Fi a couple of times, and I could really see this happening to the cast of that show (in fact, I often hope for it when I watch). If you do a rewrite sometime, lose the camp and any hints would get from it about the infection, and maybe have them focus on A) getting through the night and B) trying to document what happened in case they don't.

russel

Another clone wars story? Nice to see you find new ways to use your universe. I am confused by it though. On one hand, you have an army of cloned soldiers and on the other, they are using completely modern military gear. Is it supposed to be in the future or is it supposed to be some kind of alternate timeline?

As to this story itself, I thought it was good if a bit short, but a good effort. The verbal interaction between 47 and hugh was well done and seemed genuine. The zombie attack itself was probably the weakest point. Essentially it boiled down to 47 shooting in a circle for 5 minutes while Hugh cut wires. The Ickies confused me too. Were they the zombies or the creatures controlling the zombies, or did the soldiers not know enough about them to tell the difference (which is what it seemed)? I did like that you tried to incorporate both the clones and the Ickies points of view as well. Overall, not bad for a one-shot story, but the action could stand to be more detailed and maybe ramped up more.

[Creole Ned]

I likely won't get one in for this as I'm knee-deep in NaNoWriMo but will have comments on the entries soon.

[russellmz]

thanks for reading!

The zombie attack itself was probably the weakest point. Essentially it boiled down to 47 shooting in a circle for 5 minutes while Hugh cut wires.

Overall, not bad for a one-shot story, but the action could stand to be more detailed and maybe ramped up more.

i agree, i skimped on the zombie action. my story was a 1.5 draft so i glossed over too much. it does work better when it gets paired with a sequence in a chapter later on, where the clones expect to fight some weakass zombies but find something more interesting. but i left them as weak opponents because i kind of feel like a hypocrite for trying to make the basic zombie a tough opponent. i think i've written hundreds of words decrying the battle of yonkers (coincidentally, my hometown) for being unrealistic.

i wanted the clones to get scared but at the range they were engaging at they wouldn't notice how messed up the zombies were or see anyone they recognized (which is what happened with 47 at the end with the three zombies closing in).

The Ickies confused me too. Were they the zombies or the creatures controlling the zombies, or did the soldiers not know enough about them to tell the difference (which is what it seemed)? I did like that you tried to incorporate both the clones and the Ickies points of view as well.

the zombies are revived bodies (human or otherwise), weakly controlled by the ickies.

it's a chapter, more than a short story, so some things get explained earlier: the ickies are the genetically enhanced bad guys, and are like humans only tougher. the zombies are introduced in this chapter.

On one hand, you have an army of cloned soldiers and on the other, they are using completely modern military gear. Is it supposed to be in the future or is it supposed to be some kind of alternate timeline?

future, like the 2030s or 2040s.

clones get crap equipment. by then m-16s and m4s would either be obsolete or getting phased out. i had 47 make a comment that if her m-16's had an id card she could steal it to buy beer. and that the u.s. marines should like army clones because they no longer get handed the worst equipment, the clones do.

[russellmz]

UpOn2Wheels
liked your explanation about how the paranormal tv shows fake everything. they might be a little too honest, even after getting some vodka in them.

my favorite lines are the "black like my soul" and the answering "like a true russian" bit. tim's "where to start, where to start" comment when trying to explain the killings is great.

i also appreciated that they improvised weapons before going out on a possibly dangerous hunt. and cool ones too! you might want to decrease the technical detail on the ak-47(like the caliber) but do explain its reputation for toughness and how it would still work after laying around for a long time.

nice ending!

a few questions:
is there an explanation on why ox is described as bulletproof? like, was he ever actually shot at in his past or something? tim and ox both use that to describe him.

does that ak-47 have a scope (right before section XI)?

[UpOn2Wheels]

UpOn2Wheels

a few questions:
is there an explanation on why ox is described as bulletproof? like, was he ever actually shot at in his past or something? tim and ox both use that to describe him.

does that ak-47 have a scope (right before section XI)?

Ox was actually based on a guy I used to work with. He was from Alaska, where his family had a surveying business. This guy grew up spending summers in the backcountry, where he had his share of run-ins with brown bears, drunken locals, etc. In the story, "bulletproof" is just an adjective to describe a guy you can't put down. The crew saw Ox as indestructable; all the more reason to get nervous when he was the first to go missing.

The rifle was originally going to be an 8mm Mauser, but then I though "how would they get that into Russia unless it was a WWII relic?" Kalishnikovs are universal, and would probably have been the standard issue for anyone assigned to protect the German scientist. The rifle was indeed scoped; not common on an AK-47, but possible with a few mods.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Upon2wheels

I also thought the camp belonging to the scientist with it's notes and rifle was a bit too conveinent. I would have liked to have seen the group left completely to their own devices, and I would have liked to see them have to get through the upcoming night.

If you do a rewrite sometime, lose the camp and any hints would get from it about the infection, and maybe have them focus on A) getting through the night and B) trying to document what happened in case they don't.


Thanks for the feedback - I KNEW I'd get busted for the camp & rifle... :bg:

I tried the "foreign language" angle, because who (other than me) travels with a translation app on their iPhone?

[Creole Ned]

Here is where I offer a very belated apology for not getting feedback in yet. NaNoWriMo has consumed most of my free time this month.

[Kael]

UpOnTwoWheels is first again with That'll Help the Ratings (http://creolened.com/fiction/thatll_help_the_ratings.pdf).

That was a pretty good story. Strong points were definitely the setting, the authentic Russian details, getting to see the inside of one of these reporting shows was great, and they made for perfect jaded characters for the situation.

Overall is was an easy read that kept me interested throughout.

Here is some constructive critisism to consider:

1. It isn't a very visual story. You don't need paragraphs of description, but some details about the environment would be good to help create the setting.

2. Major characters need a least a quick physical description.

3. There are proportion problems. We know that Tim is a manwhore in the first chapter but its never mentioned again. We know what type of water Bob drinks but why? We spend a lot of time with Yevgeny but then he's dropped (I know he serves to give a local account of the danger, but hes almost to interesting for his role).

4. To many characters. Its hard to keep track of 9 people. Especially with nicknames and no real descriptions. If you can cut it to 5-7.

5. Your dialog is excellent, trust it. Sometimes you over sell what you are trying to say. Try to be more subtle when passing on emotion or expressions.

Consider the following:

“So you didn’t see anyplace that Dave could have fallen? No cliffs or ravines or anything like that?” Julie continued to press for an answer.

“No, nothing like that. It’s dense forest on both sides of the trail, but it’s dark as fuck out there right now. We didn’t see any evidence of a trail, but there’s gotta be one, right? We’ll go out at first light and find where Dave got lost.” Tim tried to sound reassuring, but his voice lacked confidence.

Julie shot back a quick, “So that’s it. You think he wandered off the trail and got lost in the woods. After he threw his parka away and took off his shoe and screamed like someone being fed into a wood chipper.”

In all three you break from the dialog to tell us somewhat clumsily what we should take from it. Avoid telling us how people said things, and try to hide those clues in the dialog itself, or more subtle references about the characters actions.

[UpOn2Wheels]

That was a pretty good story. Strong points were definitely the setting, the authentic Russian details, getting to see the inside of one of these reporting shows was great, and they made for perfect jaded characters for the situation.

Overall is was an easy read that kept me interested throughout.

Here is some constructive critisism to consider:

1. It isn't a very visual story. You don't need paragraphs of description, but some details about the environment would be good to help create the setting.

2. Major characters need a least a quick physical description.

3. There are proportion problems. We know that Tim is a manwhore in the first chapter but its never mentioned again. We know what type of water Bob drinks but why? We spend a lot of time with Yevgeny but then he's dropped (I know he serves to give a local account of the danger, but hes almost to interesting for his role).

4. To many characters. Its hard to keep track of 9 people. Especially with nicknames and no real descriptions. If you can cut it to 5-7.

5. Your dialog is excellent, trust it. Sometimes you over sell what you are trying to say. Try to be more subtle when passing on emotion or expressions.

Consider the following:



In all three you break from the dialog to tell us somewhat clumsily what we should take from it. Avoid telling us how people said things, and try to hide those clues in the dialog itself, or more subtle references about the characters actions.

Excellent feedback, Kael - much appreciated!

[Kael]

This is a chapter out of a larger story. But its fitting to the topic and I'd love to get some feedback on language and setting. I dont think the backstory is important to understanding this section, Gosea and Mahon are bad guys. But that should all be pretty apparent in the piece.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anton Konal had been burning for nearly twenty hours.

It hadn't been hard to lure him to the empty silo, he followed Gosea without complaint. Even though he towered over the petite witch, he hadn't tried to force himself on her. Instead he begged and offered clumsy compliments in an attempt to seduce her. Gosea was disgusted by him.

The hard part was finding a place for the sacrifice. Since it was early spring many of the silos along the docks were empty, and Mahon found one large enough to construct what they needed without anyone seeing the fire. Gosea's magic would take care of the screams.

Once Anton arrived Mahon tied him to the large post in the center of the empty silo. Anton was forced atop a pile of refuse from the docks, splintered crates and barrels, planks and rope. All were coated with lamp oil.

Gosea lit the flames and they stood in perfect silence as Anton writhed in pain. The fire consumed his feet then up along his legs. His skin peeled and blackened, revealing thick layers of fat beneath that burned and melted like candle wax. There was so much fat on him that hot, liquid streams of it crawled down his legs and dripped hissing into the fire.

In time he stopped screaming, but Gosea's magic wouldn't let him die. His voice was gone and the flames had eaten away all the unnecessary parts of him. Anton's massive frame, blackened and burnt, was little more than bones covered with thick muscle.

That was when the ritual changed. Instead of being consumed by the fire Anton's body began consuming it. Mahon poured more lamp oil on the fire until the flames were as high as Anton's waist but Anton seemed empowered by it. The fire greedily licked at Anton's chest, arms and shoulders. It was absorbed and drawn into him. And over time a hot orange glow came from within his chest, and behind his eyes.

There he stood, eyes fixed on Gosea in passive supplication. He was no longer alive, but unable to die. His most basic animalistic desires were tethered to his body by Gosea's spell. When the ritual was done Mahon cut him free and what had been Anton lumbered off the pyre, ready to receive Gosea's commands.