Exercise 27: The song remains the same

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 27: The song remains the same

Write a story or scene adapted from a song. Include a link or the song's lyrics in your post, please!

Due Monday, October 12th.

Entries:


I Don't Like Mondays (http://creolened.com/fiction/dont_like_mondays.pdf) (UpOn2Wheels)
Laura (http://creolened.com/fiction/laura.pdf) (Ned)

[UpOn2Wheels]

OK, now you guys are getting leftovers! I've got a four day training class this weekend and have a bunch of press releases to hammer out before then. Here's the skinny on the story, which will be a long one:

- Alice Cooper's album 'Lace and Whiskey' has an image of a fictitious crime novel, called 'Lace and Whiskey'. On the back of the novel, a critic reveals the opening and closing sentences.

- I thought it would be fun to create a story using these opening and closing sentences, but basing the character's actions on the song 'Lace and Whiskey'. For example:

Give me lace and whiskey
Mama's home remedy
Double indemnity
Fills me with ecstasy
Lace and whiskey

I'll end up a broken old hobo
With red and yellow eyes
Swearin' and drunk and dyin'
To no one's surprise

That's a long, long way from today baby
As far as I can see
So shake off your shoes, go and get me my booze
Lay your love and your laces on me


I'll warn you in advance that the story has some adult content. If you're offended by this, you may want to skip the naughty bits.

This story, BTW, is the introduction of Larry Banes, my pulp-fiction detective character who features in several other stories. It was also my first attempt at writing short fiction, so please be gentle...

I Don't Like Mondays (http://creolened.com/fiction/dont_like_mondays.pdf)

[Creole Ned]

Amazingly weird but I have completed the current exercise on time!

I used the song "Laura" from Billy Joel's album The Nylon Curtain.

Story: Laura (http://creolened.com/fiction/laura.pdf)

Lyrics:

Laura
Calls me
In the middle of the night
Passes on her
Painful information
Then these careless fingers
They get caught in her vice
Til they're bleeding
On my coffee table
Living alone isn't all that
It's cracked up to be
I'm on her side
Why does she push the poison on me?
Laura
Has a very hard time
All her life has
Been one long disaster
Then she tells me
She suddenly believes she's seen
A very good sign
She'll be taking
Some aggressive action
I fight her wars
While she's slamming her doors
In my face
Failure to break
Was the only mistake
That she made
Here I am
feeling like a fucking fool
Do I react the way exactly
She intends me to?
Everytime I think I'm off the hook
She makes me lose my cool
I'm her machine
And she can punch all the keys
She can push any button I was programmed through
Laura
Calls me
When she needs a good fix
All her questions
Will get sympathetic answers
I should
Be so
Immunized
To all of her tricks
She's surviving
On her second chances
Sometimes I feel like this
Godfather deal is all wrong
How can she hold an umbilical chord
For so long?
I've done everything I can
What else am I supposed to do
I'm her machine
And she can punch all the keys
She can push any button I was programmed through
Laura
Loves me
Even if I don't care
That's my problem
That's her sacred absolution
If she had to
She would put herself in my chair
Even though I
Faced electrocution
She always says
I'm the best friend that
She's ever had
How do you
Hang up on someone
Who needs you that bad?

[armerius]

Ned, are you aware that I Don't Like Monday (originally by Bob Geldolf, Boomtown Rats) was actually based on a true story? and a rather horrific one at that.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Ned, are you aware that I Don't Like Monday (originally by Bob Geldolf, Boomtown Rats) was actually based on a true story? and a rather horrific one at that.

Yes, it was based on a shooting in San Diego, CA in 1979. Sixteen year old Brenda Ann Spencer shot 11 people, killing two, in a schoolyard across from her home. When asked why, her reply was, "I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day."

My story, though, has absolutely nothing to do with the Boomtown Rats song or the above incident.

[Creole Ned]

I'm also wondering why arm asked me, since I didn't write the story. :P

(I'll be offering feedback on it soon, now that I've finished my own, BTW.)

[armerius]

that's a good question, Ned...

umm..

I blame Paladin

[Paladin]

that's a good question, Ned...

umm..

I blame Paladin

Don't blame me. I'm not taking any blame (or credit) for a 43 page short story. Now you all need to do this same exercise, but using only Warren Zevon songs. (I say you all because, obviously, I'm not actively participating...although I'm still hoping to generate a story here and there).

[russellmz]

UpOn2Wheels
overall i really liked it. my favorite parts are the humorous sections of the story, you have a lot of really good one liners. reminded me a lot of j.a. konrath and his perverted smartass pi harry mcglade. the story seemed to wrap up a little too neatly with the brother in the fbi being convenient but i think it fits better than leaving stuff hanging.

the sex scenes were way too graphic for my taste. the virtual vixens website description was a little bit too much, but the sex scene the platinum club was way too descriptive for my tastes (my tolerance level is whatever you could see in an r-rated film). edit: i missed your warning, but even if i read it i probably would have expected r-level stuff.

on page 27 the main character says he didn't understand the reality of being in a foreign land with no money or id. that seems a little naive for him. he's cynical and has a firm understanding of the underworld.

i was totally expecting rita to become the bad guy. i don't know ifyou wanted that to be a surprise or not. the fact she pulled a gun in the first scene slightly put some doubt into my mind if that was so, so good try there to fake subvert the "hot chick hires detective is actually really frickin' evil" trope.

[Creole Ned]

UpOn2Wheels:

This story is a very easy read. I don't mean that as a slight, the whole thing flows along with a limberness to the text and especially the dialogue. It's lean and keeps driving toward the conclusion without much of anything in the way of subplots or distractions getting in the way.

I think having the story told in the first person is a key to keeping the character of Larry sympathetic despite obvious character flaws. A nice moment was having him and Lana burst into his hotel room without him clearing it first since he was occupied (obsessed) with sex. In other circumstances this would come off as a conveniently overlooked bit of consistency on the author's part but here it fits with the way his character has been drawn.

As russell notes, the sex is pretty graphic and while it didn't offend me at all, I do wonder how explicit it usually is in crime fiction (I haven't exactly read much from the genre).

While the characters are not fleshed out any more than they need to be, I found all of them to be distinct, if somewhat hewn from the stereotypes we're all familiar with (I have seen a few crime films :P) Again, not a problem for me.

The two things I didn't like were the authorial conveniences I'd refer to earlier and the ending, which is built along the same lines.

Details like putting the slip of paper in the door are neat -- they make the character of Banes seem smart, but I felt there were too many times where he was never tested because of convenient situations like an ex-SEAL/NSA guy not having an alarm system or a Russian crime lord also not having one. It felt as if you were unsure how Banes would defeat such systems, so they were simply waved away.

The ending didn't quite click, either. If Alexei wanted to take out Rita (presumably to keep her from talking), I'd expect him to either have one of the boys do the job or do it a lot more professionally than waiting for her to enter a building and then shooting blind through an obstructed window. That might work if Alexei had been painted as sloppy or desperate but we never really see more than a glimpse of the character to buy into that kind of scenario. The arrival of the FBI is also a bit too convenient in terms of timing. Finally, since I'm grousing about the ending (and admitting I'm no ballistics expert), I'm relatively safe in saying that if you shot someone's hand at close range you'd get more than a little bloom of red from it. I'm thinking more like an explosion of flesh and bone here. If any gun expert wants to correct me, I'll eat humble pie on this one. :)

Minor nitpick: throughout the story there are several grammatical errors repeated, usually involving dialogue, the first being extra punctuation like this:

"Are you ready to go?".

Or with the punctuation placed in the wrong spot, like so:

"I need to feed the parrot before leaving".

But you said it was your first attempt writing fiction, so I'm sure I'm just pointing out the obvious here.

Overall, a good effort. As I mentioned up top, it's an easy read and that's meant as a compliment.

[UpOn2Wheels]

UpOn2Wheels
overall i really liked it. my favorite parts are the humorous sections of the story, you have a lot of really good one liners. reminded me a lot of j.a. konrath and his perverted smartass pi harry mcglade. the story seemed to wrap up a little too neatly with the brother in the fbi being convenient but i think it fits better than leaving stuff hanging.

the sex scenes were way too graphic for my taste. the virtual vixens website description was a little bit too much, but the sex scene the platinum club was way too descriptive for my tastes (my tolerance level is whatever you could see in an r-rated film). edit: i missed your warning, but even if i read it i probably would have expected r-level stuff.

on page 27 the main character says he didn't understand the reality of being in a foreign land with no money or id. that seems a little naive for him. he's cynical and has a firm understanding of the underworld.

i was totally expecting rita to become the bad guy. i don't know ifyou wanted that to be a surprise or not. the fact she pulled a gun in the first scene slightly put some doubt into my mind if that was so, so good try there to fake subvert the "hot chick hires detective is actually really frickin' evil" trope.

Thanks russell! Sorry about the sex scenes - in retrospect, they don't add much to the story and would never get past an editor.

I was going for a very cliche, pulp-fiction feel to the story. Some of the later Larry Banes stories have better development and fewer coincidences. I've also cut back on how graphic the sex scenes are - there's still plenty of interaction between Larry and Lana, but most of it is implied.

[UpOn2Wheels]

UpOn2Wheels:

As russell notes, the sex is pretty graphic and while it didn't offend me at all, I do wonder how explicit it usually is in crime fiction (I haven't exactly read much from the genre).

The two things I didn't like were the authorial conveniences I'd refer to earlier and the ending, which is built along the same lines.

Details like putting the slip of paper in the door are neat -- they make the character of Banes seem smart, but I felt there were too many times where he was never tested because of convenient situations like an ex-SEAL/NSA guy not having an alarm system or a Russian crime lord also not having one. It felt as if you were unsure how Banes would defeat such systems, so they were simply waved away.

The ending didn't quite click, either. If Alexei wanted to take out Rita (presumably to keep her from talking), I'd expect him to either have one of the boys do the job or do it a lot more professionally than waiting for her to enter a building and then shooting blind through an obstructed window. That might work if Alexei had been painted as sloppy or desperate but we never really see more than a glimpse of the character to buy into that kind of scenario. The arrival of the FBI is also a bit too convenient in terms of timing. Finally, since I'm grousing about the ending (and admitting I'm no ballistics expert), I'm relatively safe in saying that if you shot someone's hand at close range you'd get more than a little bloom of red from it. I'm thinking more like an explosion of flesh and bone here. If any gun expert wants to correct me, I'll eat humble pie on this one. :)



Thanks Ned!

As I said to russell, I doubt the content would get past an editor. The sex is too graphic and not integral to the story - I could taper it back and not lose anything.

The story was intended to be more pulp fiction that gritty crime, hence you caught me on the issue of plot conveniences (brother in FBI, lack of an alarm system, etc.). Later Larry Banes stories are better grounded, but still feature an eccentric cast of characters.

You missed two things that I blew it on:

1) I intended to edit out that Rita had shot Larry in a previous encounter. It didn't add anything other than confusion, and the story flowed better if Rita was a stranger when she first walked into Larry's office.

2) I called a pistol magazine a 'clip'. Handguns do not use clips; clips can be used to load rifle magazines (such as the internal mag on the M1 Garand or the external mag on an M1A). Someone of Larry's knowledge would NEVER, under any circumstances, call a magazine a clip.

Since the story was written, I've done quite a bit more shooting and have become an NRA certified instructor for pistols and firearms safety. As for the issue of ballistics at the end of the story, remember that Larry was pointing a .22 caliber target pistol at Rita. A .22 bullet is very small but very fast. Even at close range, it wouldn't do a lot of damage; hence, I'm sticking with my "bloom of red" line.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Creole Ned
I have to admit that "Laura" sucked me in more than I expected it to. It flowed well, but I had some issues with believability when she asked him to hold the backpack. We've all had a Laura in our life, but I've never met anyone that could re-align my own moral compass. William seems like a straight up guy and doesn't come across as naieve; why would he risk jail, beatings or worse for booty he'd never get?

Also, it wasn't clear how the drugs were being dealt at his apartment. Was someone breaking in and taking the drugs when William was absent? Was Laura dealing them herself, and if so, how come William never saw here around the apartment? It just needed a little more clarity in my opinion.

[Creole Ned]

I defer to your greater knowledge on guns. :) I don't know if it would be possible to work in a small detail to indicate the .22 wouldn't do as much damage for us non-gun experts. And yes, the story was very pulp in feel, which is why the cliches of the genre didn't bother me -- they're part of the fun.

"Laura" was written in a single sitting and I didn't really revise so much as just clean up obvious errors and awkward phrases so it probably comes across as unpolished. The whole drug angle is admittedly not fleshed out, as you highlight. The narrator does seem too smart to fall for her but I tried to make him at least have limits or lines that could be crossed. Maybe if the piece had been longer I could have fleshed that out better. In a way the story is about the contradiction of him being intelligent and yet taking leave of his senses because Laura has that effect on him. I admit I may not have conveyed that convincingly but it was still interesting to interpret the song that way.

Thanks for the feedback!

[UpOn2Wheels]

The narrator does seem too smart to fall for her but I tried to make him at least have limits or lines that could be crossed.

In a way the story is about the contradiction of him being intelligent and yet taking leave of his senses because Laura has that effect on him. I admit I may not have conveyed that convincingly but it was still interesting to interpret the song that way.



Ah, which brings up another idea I've always had for a novel...

Everyone has their price. A price at which they'd sacrifice their values, beliefs, family and anything else they hold dear. For some, this price is as little as another hit of meth or glassine of heroin. For others, myself included, this price is very high. High enough, in my case, that I can't even come close to identifying what it might be. But it's still there, just as it is for you, the pope and the Dali Lama.

So what, exactly, is your price...

[russellmz]

Creole Ned
overall i enjoyed it but i wanted to see how it ended with the main character.

laura sucked in the main character fairly easily, even when he knew she was bad news. but the way the character describes her and how he feels you can see why he wants to stay with her. i like the detail about her eyes and smile being replaced by a mask, but i would have expected the character to say the mask dropped and he was seeing the real her. or maybe that wouldn't work since he already knows she's bad news but keeps doing what she wants.

i was kind of hoping to find out what her deal was. she manipulates people, but what's with the drugs? did she spend the college fund? or just like making others do the dirty work? i know it's a short story and that he'll probably keep doing what she wants but i wanted to see where it would end, whether he breaks it off or her tasks lead him to ruin.

minor technical thing, you might want to put some asterixes between the present and past passages. between page 2 and 3 i got confused for a little bit because he was imagining touching her in the past and then he's on the phone in the present. the page jump hid the line breaks.

and what's with all the bodily fluids this round of stories? :) at least this was done less graphically and had the something about mary reference to take the edge off.

[Creole Ned]

I think by limiting the story to only six or so pages I didn't have the space to properly flesh out a lot of the details, though I could probably fit more in without bulking it up too much. I may go back and try to address what you and Up highlighted (the whole drug thing, for example).

Point taken on the past/present switches.

No comment on the body fluids. :P (okay, I'll admit it was probably not needed but once I put in the Something About Mary reference, it was hard to yoink, so to speak)

[Acid]

Catching up. Okay, this was inspired by Elliott Smith's song "Twilight."

Lyrics:

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying

She's a sight to see
She's good to me
I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing
And she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby

You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together

I'm nice to you
I could make it through
That you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile
If you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me, baby?

Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight

You're wonderful
And it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
And if I went with you
I'd disappoint you too
Well, I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby

The story's so short I'll post it here:



Twilight

Her hand slips from mine, and I watch her saunter, lazily kicking a straight leg up a little with every few steps, annoying her long draping dress. Dragging her flowered carry-on suitcase even though it didn't have wheels. Back and forth through the security maze, never looking at me--

And I stand as long as I can watching her. Slipping off her shoes. Smiling at the security guy as he coldly tells her to step through the scanner. Down, around the screens and gone.

And that was that.

And I stand there, watching after her, as if the air through which she'd passed was still full of her essence, like I could survive on it alone. And slowly, I realize. Never again would I see her, stroke her, feel her silken hair against my back, bathe in one of her smiles.

And right there in the airport, right there in the crowd of travelers happy and sad, I was saddest of all. The tears won't come, then they come, and then I am looking for somewhere private in the most public of places, and saltwater blurred faces are watching.

*

Then the adrenaline. Running. Guards glaring, people dodging. I had to get a taxi, fuck BART, a taxi. Then I had to go away.

I had another day in San Francisco to live through before my plane, but she was gone, and the city would remind me of her for the rest of my life.

I think of going to the Midwest and disappearing. Then I almost think of my children, needing a father, loving me without a wit of judgment, requiring me to grow up healthy, but I don't, okay I do. But I push that thought away. And I cannot think of my wife. I love her so much my heart wants to just stop, just stop. But I don't think of her, okay I do. My best friend, my only friend, with whom I could never share my past few days, because there she is, trusting, loving, and expecting. She's jealous by nature. If she knew, oh hell, if she knew. But I push that thought away.

Home?

Huh. The Midwest? Or the West? Or home.

Anywhere.

But not fucking San Francisco.