Exercise 25: The opening

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 25: The opening

This is a simple, quick exercise. Write 10 opening sentences for 10 stories. If you need to, you can bend the rules a bit and have two sentences, but no more!

Due Tuesday, September 8th.

(Submissions may be posted directly to this thread.)

[Rimbo]

In a moment, a black dragon three stories tall will incinerate me. [Actual first line from my shitty novel.]

I wake to hear the sound of the “princess” screaming at the wards of the asylum again. [Potential first line to the next part or book of the above story.]

If he ever saw Stan’s face again, Frank was afraid of how he might react.

Talent, brains, and a body that won’t quit... And all I can do is watch while she sits in the chair picking boogers out of her nose.

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom with a princess who was vain and stuck-up.

“Oh, fuck... Not again,” Jennifer sputtered, as she lifted her face out of drainage ditch and tried to scrape the grime off her cheek.

It was a dark and stormy night. [I’m sorry. Had to. Couldn’t resist.]

All of the planning of the past six years is in place; tonight, Herbert dies, and no one will be able to trace it to me.

As he walked through the grass on the side of the road with his thumb in the air and his red pajamas on, Jerome wondered how it all had gone wrong.

You know the story of the princess who was cursed by a witch, rescued by the prince, married him, and lived happily ever after; this is the story of her third daughter, and what became of her.

[UpOn2Wheels]

Never bet a dollar on a horse named Immortality, never sit with your back to the door and never trust a leggy blonde in a short skirt looking for help.

I was having trouble sleeping, which explains why I heard the phone ring in the kitchen at 4:30 in the morning.

In retrospect, a night in the Ouray County jail would have done me some good.

I died on a Wednesday in July. It was a sudden, painful and overwhelmingly stupid way to check out.

The talking head on the TV delivered more bad news, but I was only half listening.

“So are we going to go in?” you ask me, “it seems like an awfully long drive to chicken out now.”

The phone in the kitchen rang, and as usual I ignored it. Three rings in, I realized that Kim wasn’t going to pick it up, so I stumbled out of my chair and leapt for the handset, hoping to beat the answering machine to the pick up.

I’ve always been a tinkerer. Not an inventor, per se, because inventors make money.

The man in the tweed sport coat pushed the folder across the worn Formica of the diner’s table.

It was the tapping on the window that woke me up.

[Acid]

My brother is drowning in Little Badger Lake. [this is the opening to MY novel]

Be it by His divine will, be it by a fluke of the Universe, be it by some other means that man will never grasp--be it however it happened, God fell to earth.

I watched the would-be intruder from the shadows of my balcony, dropped from the railing, and landed silently behind him, push dagger in hand, after he'd passed beneath me.

Chronic pain can make you do and say things that alienate everyone good in your life.

I woke up at the bottom of a 400-foot ravine, broken and bloody but alive and not surprised.

He didn't believe in guns, and not because they kill--but because they do a generally poor job of it; he believed in blades.

There was one man in the entire world Nathan Cross would have killed on sight. [this line opens the novel i'm working on now]

I threw my wallet, my checkbook, and all my credit cards into the Mississippi River, because that's what you do when you're six figures in the red.

When one loses one's virginity, that unforgettable first moment of penetration is the divine's only gift to man.

Dana picked a daisy, and realized it was the first pleasant thing she'd done in many years.

[Rimbo]

some of these openers make me want to know what happens in the rest of the story

[Acid]

some of these openers make me want to know what happens in the rest of the story

That's the point of an opening line! ;)

[Rimbo]

Ooh! Bonus! I thought of one to replace my cheesy "dark and stormy night" cop-out:

Bruce's brow furrowed as he pulled the thermometer from his old friend's mouth; Clark Kent was dying of influenza, and nothing in the world of Earthly medical science was going to save him.

[Arioch]

The distant sound of beautiful fingers tapping on a laptop keyboard fused with the straight beat coming out of the speakers in front of me created a melange of rhythm which made it nearly impossible to not nod your head to.

Do you believe that wishes can come true?

A rumbling disturbed the silence of the crypt, followed by the screams of half a dozen throats, growing in volume as their owners plunged further and further down the shaft.

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was covered with hair from head to toe.

Particles of stars of distant pasts hammered on the reinforced walls of the marine shuttle.

Although trees lack awareness, especially after they are felled, sawed and cut, this slim piece would no doubt feel absolutely glorious, flying through the air like the birds who once nested on it, fitted with feathers just like them, and even being crowned with a little metal beaklike tip; and when finally his flight will end, with his beak hopefully plunged deep into one of our enemies hearts, it would feel the fulfillment of a work well done, a life lived with purpose.

Most people would believe that a day starting with a doctor jamming apparatuses into your anus could not get worse; but as we will see, most people lack imagination.

A look in the mirror: perfection is male.

"Your wife and children deny your very existence, the few men who dared following you were tortured and killed in front of the whole city, everything you lived and fought for is gone, in shambles, rotten and buried, yet still you fight on, blindly, miserably, lost, without hope, without anyone on your side; and even if you'd win, if you could defeat me and all I stand for, it would be for nought; the times have changed, the life you lived is frowned upon now, and this is something that no death, not even mine, will change; so tell me this, say it, and I will end your ordeal, and let you embrace the death you have so long deserved: Why do you fight on?"

"They got the President, but don't worry - I am on their tail", said Special Agent F. Lee Bronson, holding tight as the dog ran down the busy street.



Yeah, some of mine are from actual half-written stories, too.

[kerzain]

I've always felt Ive had a problem coming up with good first lines. When I look at lists like THIS ONE (http://www.infoplease.com/ipea/A0934311.html) I scratch my head at most of them. Standing by themselves, most of the entries on that list just don't hook me. Critics love them, but I guess proper appreciation can only be had by the brainy types, I prefer my opening lines to feel a little more down to earth, less fluff and just a little closer to home for the average person. So although there are several genuine winners in that list (who am I to question the classics?), but for most of them I almost feel as though they are only best understood, and appreciated, after you've read the entire story. They just don't seem to hook me on their own, if that is their intention all.

Here is an example of a first line I've always enjoyed, and it is missing from that list of literary classics. The line is "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed". Yea, this makes me want to keep reading. I guess the more literary stuff is just over my head. This one was by Stephen King, from the book The Gunslinger. Pulp fiction if there ever was.

I just wanted to lay the groundwork for the type of first line that does and doesn't always appeal to me, so you have an idea where my head is at when you see the ones I've come up with. I typically aim for succinct -- think "Call me Ishmael". I don't know why, I just like very short openers.

------------------------

They shaved my head this morning.

Sparse patches of yellowed grass and broken bottles peppered the playground.

I couldn't promise her she would live through this.

A seasonal article about dangerous toys inspired me to go gift-shopping this Christmas.

I gave in and ate the duck.

It was a strong woman that carried me up those stairs.

There I sat, half listening to the conference-call taking place.

I was fifteen the first time a woman asked me to sign her breasts.

I don't know how to start this story without first telling you about my penis.

Our first meeting was all kinds of awkward.

[Creole Ned]

By the way, what you write for this exercise will have something to do with the next one. :o

[russellmz]

1. It's amazing how far a willingness to get your ass kicked can take you.
2. "...the pizza definitely. It smells like my feet."
3. "Who the fuck is throwing rocks at me?"
4. "Huh, a huge pile of dead people bearing our likenesses."
5. It wasn't every day Homeless Pete thought, "Man, it sucks to be that guy."
6. A small fort of empty Chinese takeout cartons kept vigilant watch over the napping accountants and secretaries.
7. Joanne got a good price on three boxes of pens, except every single one dried out months ago.
8. "'Miasma of misery', my ass," thought the TA, red inking every other word in his star pupil's thesis.
9. Shorty, sweat dripping in her eyes as she stormed the enemy dugout, pondered the benefits of being pregnant and barefoot in a kitchen.
10. Even my dog looked bored with me.

[Arioch]

I wanna replace one of my weaker ones with this one:

"Stanley lost his ass in a freak accident; then, shit got worse."

[kerzain]

I'll cherry pick some one-liners I like in this thread so far. My main objective is to highlight the ones that hook me personally, so to speak.

I'll start at the top:

“Oh, fuck... Not again,” Jennifer sputtered, as she lifted her face out of drainage ditch and tried to scrape the grime off her cheek.I like how this one gets the story right off to a jarring scene. The only complaint I have is the “Not again” part. I think an “Oh... fuck” would just as adequately show her feelings on her situation without being too telling right at the get-go. I think it would work well to explore her previous experiences (like this) over the next several paragraphs when you start working in a little bit of back story, and I think the opening scene would work better without it.

I think she does a little too much in the first sentence too. I think you could trim the 'scrape the grime' part off, or instead of having it be a third action in the first sentence (first being the dialogue, second is her lifting her head) it might be better to describe that she is in fact grimy without having her do anything about it the instant she lifts her head. Let her get her bearings first.

I certainly want to know why she is in a ditch.

I was having trouble sleeping, which explains why I heard the phone ring in the kitchen at 4:30 in the morning.
Many of yours work well for me because they give off a strong ironic/cynical humor vibe. But beyond my own taste for dark humor and biting witticisms this particular one works well for me because it begs the question “Why is he having trouble sleeping, and does it have anything at all to do with the phone call?” As a reader I want to know more, now.

I threw my wallet, my checkbook, and all my credit cards into the Mississippi River, because that's what you do when you're six figures in the red.I like this one. I think it could be trimmed up a bit, since you are distinguishing your credit cards from your wallet – most people keep them there (you could have him go into detail about the specifics contents later on if/when it plays a part in the story, for now we just know it's a desperate/extreme act to start tossing stuff like a wallet/checkbook in the river). I think you could change the 'six figures' statement from being so literal, to being a little more open to interpretation for the reader. Obviously the guy can be six figures in the red, but assigning dollar amounts like this quantifies the guy's problem in a way that might be best left open to the imagination for the time being.

If he were to describe his situation something like “that's what you do when you're this deep in the red" that little twinge of mystery can add suspense to the reader, because how much is 'this much'? Don't throw too much at your audience all in the first line. Don't try to answer all of their questions right up front like this, make them work for it, encourage them to dig deeper and find out not only how he got here, but where he is. You give too much, don't spoil it for us!

A look in the mirror: perfection is male.
Okay, this is one of the weirdest opening lines I've seen, on so many levels. I automatically want to know exactly what type of person would say or think something like this (assuming it isn't third person narrative), and I want to know why – or if it is even meant to be taken so literal. I get a Patrick Bateman vibe from this, perhaps this is why I like it. As long as he doesn't start masturbating to his own reflection... heh.

10. Even my dog looked bored with me.More cynical humor, me likes. Normally it is sort of challenging to a reader to start a story right off the bat by saying how boring a person is, but it works here because you aren't going into heavy detail trying to show WHY this guy is boring all in the first sentence. This seems to indicate that things are going to change, hopefully very quickly, and life will be anything but boring for this guy. Makes me want to see what happens to change all this. I wonder how the dog will handle it :p

[Creole Ned]

Before writing my ten, I went back and looked over the first sentences of many of my stories and most of them are actually short or nondescript. Maybe I subscribe more to the "hook 'em with the first paragraph" theory or something.

Here's my ten:

Lita didn’t like the bus stop, never had, but it was the only one around for miles.

Taylor was about to head out on his coffee break when Erickson came to him with news he had never expected to hear: confirmation of an artificial radio signal emanating from outside our solar system.

The waves of the lake lapped gently onto the shore, the surface of the water smooth, with campfires dotted along the beach, sounds of conversation and laughter and the occasional attempt at a song floating through the warm and still night; a perfect, calm evening about to be flung into chaos.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, I'm gonna need a bushel of Grannysmiths, Roger thought.

"I'm not here to save the world, just my part of it."

Jerry was excited -- he had never robbed a grave before.

The whole thing happened as a blur, so quickly that Mark had trouble processing it for seconds after, even as he looked at each part that formed the sequence of events: the gun in his hand, the slumped form of his friend on the floor, the spray of blood and matter on the wall behind.

"Hate driving at night," Barry said, "but I've got awful night vision, too."

Cheerleaders cause cancer.

That sign that says 'Beware of Dog' and, well, it ain't no dog.

***

And here's another random ten from actual short stories I've written, as comparison:

Camping!

The address was about to begin.

The woman would not be moved.

I knew it was time to leave the city when The Incredible Reach and I banged foreheads while trying to nab the same purse snatcher.

Early on a Friday evening, it’s summer and the air is warm and still.

Christian Warren gave a coy wink to the waitress as she walked by.

It was late September and the afternoon light was fading away.

Derek Bradley was getting into shape.

I am drowning.

I knew from the moment Beth stepped into the kitchen that there was bad news coming.

[Rimbo]

I'm curious... aside from kerzain, which opening lines of mine seem most interesting to the rest of you?

[Arioch]

I liked the second one and the Superflu.

[UpOn2Wheels]

I'm curious... aside from kerzain, which opening lines of mine seem most interesting to the rest of you?

This one does it for me: As he walked through the grass on the side of the road with his thumb in the air and his red pajamas on, Jerome wondered how it all had gone wrong.

Lots of potential there, methinks...

[Rimbo]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'll not go with the second one, if only because it makes little sense without the story before it... and is the beginning of a long, long story.

[Rimbo]

I've decided to tag along with Jennifer and see if she and I can find out just how she got into that ditch.

[Acid]

I'm with the guy who woke up in the bottom of the ravine. Gotta figure out how he lived and why he wasn't surprised.

[Creole Ned]

I meant to offer feedback on these and it slipped through the proverbial cracks. I shall do so Friday, promise!

[kerzain]

I've decided I really hate my choices because I'm not in the mood to write first person, and most of mine are, with the exception of two openers I already have stories for. I don't want to submit either of those stories since they're older works, so I've been struggling every day trying to get something going on any of the other openers. I've had a little success with the first one, but I feel the clock ticking!

[Creole Ned]

A few days late (seems to be my M.O.), here are my picks:

Rimbo:

“Oh, fuck... Not again,” Jennifer sputtered, as she lifted her face out of drainage ditch and tried to scrape the grime off her cheek.
This is a good tease that says a lot and at the same time leaves the reader wanting to know what happened.

As he walked through the grass on the side of the road with his thumb in the air and his red pajamas on, Jerome wondered how it all had gone wrong.An interesting visual, since you haven't established whether Jerome is a child, a man or someone in-between.

UpOn2Wheels:

I died on a Wednesday in July. It was a sudden, painful and overwhelmingly stupid way to check out.
By committing the taboo and having the author start out dead, you want to know why and how it happened. Or if he really is dead.

In retrospect, a night in the Ouray County jail would have done me some good.
The narrator has apparently done something he shouldn't have and seemingly escaped punishment, so you're ready to get the details.

Acid:

My brother is drowning in Little Badger Lake.
This is similar to the opening lines of a story I wrote and in the same way hooks the reader. Why is he drowning? Why the heck aren't you saving him? Or maybe you are, must read on...

Be it by His divine will, be it by a fluke of the Universe, be it by some other means that man will never grasp--be it however it happened, God fell to earth.
Hard to resist a high concept like this.

Arioch:

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was covered with hair from head to toe.
Will it be a parable? A horror story in disguise? A flight of whimsy? I want to know.

A look in the mirror: perfection is male.
I have no idea what this means, which naturally makes me want to find out

kerzain:

I couldn't promise her she would live through this.
Obvious interest in what "this" might be and the circumstances surrounding it.

It was a strong woman that carried me up those stairs.
Works by going against conventional wisdom.

I don't know how to start this story without first telling you about my penis.
Scary and intriguing, all in one. You wonder how much worse it will get.

russell:

It's amazing how far a willingness to get your ass kicked can take you. How far, indeed.

"Huh, a huge pile of dead people bearing our likenesses."
The nonchalance of the reaction combined with what has been found makes this work.

[Rimbo]

I seem to have written myself into a corner with Jennifer.

[Acid]

As have I with my unnamed protagonist, and I can't just change the scene because it's first-person.

[Rimbo]

And I broke through! Lack of sleep ftw!!!

Only trouble now is... this is looking less and less like a short story and more like a novella. Or even a full-length novel. My goodness... this story is past the 2600 words mark and... well, there's a lot of unanswered questions, still, a long way to go before Jennifer's situation is resolved.

I may end up posting a partial story and writing the rest for the next exercise.

[UpOn2Wheels]

LOL and I've gone in a completely DIFFERENT direction with two new stories. Acid knows the one (chapter 1 posted on another board), which has great potential for a novella.

The other...

Well let's just say it's a new direction for me. Hopefully I'll finish it by Halloween.

P.S. - No worries, kerzain - I promise it won't have any vampires!