Exercise 24: An unexpected message

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 24: An unexpected message

A pair of friends have just finished a lovely meal at a favorite restaurant, but things take a turn when one notices that the waiter has scribbled an unexpected—and startling—message on their bill.

Due Monday, August 31st.

Entries:
Note (http://www.joeldurhamjr.com/Note.htm) (Acid)
Try the Chili (http://home.comcast.net/~jgt503/chili.doc) (kerzain)
Twice a Year (http://creolened.com/fiction/twice_a_year.pdf) (UpOn2Wheels)
Pulling the Bitch (http://www.lamethrower.com/ramblinations-part-2-pulling-the-bitch/) (BillD)
The End of the Meal (http://creolened.com/fiction/end_of_the_meal.pdf) or the alternate (preferred?) version A Slice of Life (http://creolened.com/fiction/slice_of_life.pdf) (Ned)

[Acid]

Mine's just called Note (http://www.joeldurhamjr.com/Note.htm)

[kerzain]

It's in MS Word format. If you want it in a different format let me know.

http://home.comcast.net/~jgt503/chili.doc

I'm seeing a trend in the stories for this one so far :p

[Creole Ned]

Acid's friend UpOn2Wheels has submitted an entry titled Twice a Year (http://creolened.com/fiction/twice_a_year.pdf).

For those not familiar with how I do feedback, I normally do not read stories until after I've completed my own, so my feedback usually comes after the deadline.

[kerzain]

I pulled a big no-no and uploaded an updated version of my story (same file name, same link etc) in it's place. I was so busy the night I wrote the story that I did an extremely poor job of proofing it before posting at and moving on to some math studies I needed to get done.

If you've downloaded the file, but haven't read it yet you might want to re-download it. If you've already read it, then you can see what happens when an writer rushes something to print hehe.

In the future I will give myself more time to edit before posting stories, and save you guys the hassle of reading snippets of my brilliance intermingled with snippets of my garbage :p

[kerzain]

Acid's friend UpOn2Wheels has submitted an entry titled Twice a Year (http://creolened.com/fiction/twice_a_year.pdf)

I will review this.

*****Spoilers, don't read my review if you haven't read this story******


What works for me:
This story reads very well. The wording and pacing don't get in the way of the telling and it makes for an easy read. I like this, because I felt like I was breezing through it, not because of any simplicity, but because everything flowed so smoothly and meshed well.

One of the hardest things to do in a story is get the reader emotionally vested in any of the characters or situations. This story had me anticipating how the guy was going to explain his sudden and unexpected departure to his "date". I like that she immediately took it as another in a long line of rejects on his part, and it helped turn up the tension in ways the "secret note on the back of the check" could not. The tension between the couple felt genuine, whereas the "mysterious secret note", (by definition, of course) felt more like a plot device. I am glad you didn't just settle for one tense story element here, because they both work well together to make the situation seem more real.

I am also very very happy that the waitress didn't turn out to be a vampire, seriously, seen it, been there, done that.

Another thing I like about the story is how well you mix back-story in with live action. Many writers (me included, by god) can spend the entire story just setting up for one one brief little moment of action (me me me me again). You handled the dlivery and pacing quite well. Mixing background and history with current day superbly.

What doesn't work for me:
What didn't work for me was the 'luck factor' involved in seeing the note on the back of the check. If the check hadn't fallen the guy would never have seen the message. Acid played this well by allowing the character to see the imprint of a ball-point pen through the paper, causing him to flip the paper over.

I also found the use of the word MILF to be out of context here. Though I know it's meaning, and completely support MILF's and all their awesomeness, guys in their late twenties/early thirties don't typically think of women their own age as "MILF's", especially ex-girlfriends. We reserve that term for women older than ourselves :p

Though it helps describe the woman to the reader, it feels out of place coming from an ex-boyfriend who seems better educated throughout the rest of the story (they did go to college together after all), even if he is just "turning wrenches". He comes across as being able to think of better ways to describe this woman to the reader and that one singular term distracts for a moment.

The only other thing that didn't quite work for me was the rapidity in which the narrator took leave of his senses and started using the feeling of 'tiredness' to explain why he was doing things that would seem otherwise strange or unsafe to him (EDIT: Unless she poisoned his food or something). If anything he should still be hyped up after running down a cop. This is when things should be coming to a head for him, the realization that he getting pretty deeply involved in something. Panic and paranoia might start settling in, but I'm not sure about mental fatigue or exhaustion just yet. Unless this guy has nerves of steel.

Final Verdict

I enjoyed the story. And I'm left wondering if Kelly will ever find out what happened to the narrator.

[UpOn2Wheels]

I will review this.

*****Spoilers, don't read my review if you haven't read this story******


What works for me:
This story reads very well. The wording and pacing don't get in the way of the telling and it makes for an easy read. I like this, because I felt like I was breezing through it, not because of any simplicity, but because everything flowed so smoothly and meshed well.

One of the hardest things to do in a story is get the reader emotionally vested in any of the characters or situations. This story had me anticipating how the guy was going to explain his sudden and unexpected departure to his "date". I like that she immediately took it as another in a long line of rejects on his part, and it helped turn up the tension in ways the "secret note on the back of the check" could not. The tension between the couple felt genuine, whereas the "mysterious secret note", (by definition, of course) felt more like a plot device. I am glad you didn't just settle for one tense story element here, because they both work well together to make the situation seem more real.

I am also very very happy that the waitress didn't turn out to be a vampire, seriously, seen it, been there, done that.

Another thing I like about the story is how well you mix back-story in with live action. Many writers (me included, by god) can spend the entire story just setting up for one one brief little moment of action (me me me me again). You handled the dlivery and pacing quite well. Mixing background and history with current day superbly.

What doesn't work for me:
What didn't work for me was the 'luck factor' involved in seeing the note on the back of the check. If the check hadn't fallen the guy would never have seen the message. Acid played this well by allowing the character to see the imprint of a ball-point pen through the paper, causing him to flip the paper over.

I also found the use of the word MILF to be out of context here. Though I know it's meaning, and completely support MILF's and all their awesomeness, guys in their late twenties/early thirties don't typically think of women their own age as "MILF's", especially ex-girlfriends. We reserve that term for women older than ourselves :p

Though it helps describe the woman to the reader, it feels out of place coming from an ex-boyfriend who seems better educated throughout the rest of the story (they did go to college together after all), even if he is just "turning wrenches". He comes across as being able to think of better ways to describe this woman to the reader and that one singular term distracts for a moment.

The only other thing that didn't quite work for me was the rapidity in which the narrator took leave of his senses and started using the feeling of 'tiredness' to explain why he was doing things that would seem otherwise strange or unsafe to him (EDIT: Unless she poisoned his food or something). If anything he should still be hyped up after running down a cop. This is when things should be coming to a head for him, the realization that he getting pretty deeply involved in something. Panic and paranoia might start settling in, but I'm not sure about mental fatigue or exhaustion just yet. Unless this guy has nerves of steel.

Final Verdict

I enjoyed the story. And I'm left wondering if Kelly will ever find out what happened to the narrator.


Thanks kerzain - I sincerely appreciate your feedback!

I tend to write all of my characters with nerves of steel, but I should have tapered back a bit on the protagonist. He's not an ex-cop or private detective, but just an average Joe caught up in something way over his head. I should have written the end of the story with more apprehension on his part.

And never mind Kelly - will WE ever find out what happened to Paul?

[Bill Dungsroman]

I'll have this turned in sometime this evening, but I won't be able to post a link on Qt3 because Tom banned me.

[Acid]

Fuck, you're a staple there. for the 'worst poster' thread (how come I'm not there to vote for?! I never make these lists.)? Is the ban permanent?

[kerzain]

Okay, that shits confusing. We have people, in earnest, advocating suicide and making pretty severe personal attacks and living to laugh another day and your thread was enough to earn you a ban? I thought the thread was funny.

[Acid]

Tom's had something up his ass lately.

[kerzain]

I don't envy his role on the board. He must have to put up with a lot of shit behind the scenes because some people are so openly hateful towards one another.

[Acid]

Yeah, but from the other side, he put himself in the situation. No one forced him to one a forum to become more famous. And then be a dick about arbitrarily banning key members.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Okay, that shits confusing. We have people, in earnest, advocating suicide and making pretty severe personal attacks and living to laugh another day and your thread was enough to earn you a ban? I thought the thread was funny.

Heh, good. I thought you'd find it funny. That was the whole point - to see who can laugh at themselves and who can't.

It's only for 48 hours, at least that is what it says.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Exercise 24 - Pulling The Bitch (http://www.lamethrower.com/ramblinations-part-2-pulling-the-bitch/)

[Creole Ned]

My entry: The End of the Meal (http://creolened.com/fiction/end_of_the_meal.pdf)

Now that mine's done, I'll read the others and have feedback soon™.

[kerzain]

I plan on giving feedback on these last two entries in the next day or so.

[kerzain]

I just finished reading Bill D's story.

The language used does a good job of helping to set the tone without resorting to piles of cliche New Jersey or New York "mobbish" type one-liners or figures of speech. Yea, the story uses these types of speech, but nothing used that I've seen used anywhere to any degree of over-use. I like that most of these colloquialisms are delivered by the narrator, rather than directly in the dialog. It helps set the tone without painting the characters into a corner and removing that important third dimension from a character and flattening them into a cardboard cutout representation of a person.

You get the idea that, yes, these are every day verbiages used amongst the casino staff and bosses, but their use is displayed here in a more removed form (through the use of narrative instead of dialogue) , so the reader isn't left trying to swallow the idea of two characters hamming it up to each other. The inclusion works for me specifically because it was used as window dressing instead of a way of building character for someone.

I could see the story suffering if two characters sat around, "Hey oh Tony, dat girl, she pulled da bitch."

"Aww fuck, Frankie. Da boss ain't gonna be happy about 'dis."

There's building character in order to present a certain image, and then there's just flat out cliche. I'd have to say you did a good job of falling right into the trap of cliche casino (possibly with mob ties) money men while still being able to demonstrate that this is what they prety much are.

I also really liked the paragraph that demonstrates a typical conversation between the Casino reps and the average winner. Instead of showing the actual conversation between the current winner and the casino rep, the story touches on on a typical conversation like this should go while also showing the true meaning behind the words, meanings that someone int the midst of a big win is likely to miss in their excitement. It even states that certain parts of these conversation were used here, but in in the all that convincing was for naught.

I also like that the message was revealed at the end of the story, rather than at the very beginning. Although the story seems to be laying the groundwork for bad news, especially given Jimmy's reaction to the note at the very beginning of the story, it is still surprising enough at the end that knowing the outcome didn't ruin/spoil the rest of the experience.

There are a couple things that caught me up on my first read through. The use of long titles before the character names seems like a lot to process right in the first paragraph. The story might be better served to introduce the men, and show the reader that, yea one is in charge, before explicitly revealing the job titles and functions of each man in the first scene.

I also found the statement about being the 'judge goat' a little confusing at first, removing the word judge should still get the point across about what Jimmy feels like when comparing his situation to a goat fucking contest. Unless I misunderstand what the term 'judge goat' means here, I'm assuming it means.. the goat being fucked. Either way, as a reader I stumbled over it a bit, especially when the 'whole herd of them' line was delivered.

Aside from the clear avoidance of overly cliche dialogue, the name Jimmy did seem cliche to me used in the context of this story. There are so many "Jimmys" out there in stories with characters like these, I can't decide if this is an example of art imitating other art or art imitating life. Either way, the name Jimmy just seems over used. But this is a very minor complaint.

Final hurdle I felt I had to jump through on a couple occasions were the heavy use of parenthesis. Not the parenthesis themselves, but some of the text in these are long enough to rival full of sentences of their own. I only notice this because I do the same thing, and I've been training my brain to pick this stuff up out of my text in order to eliminate it. I don't mind their use when it isn't excessive, and there's only a couple places where it does seem excessive, but it's something I think could be changed a bit for the better.

And finally, bonus points for 'thuggy'.

[Creole Ned]

I'm actually working on a second version of my story that I should have linked here tonight. It will also have a different title, so it stands apart obviously from the other. If you want, feel free to read both. If you read only one, I will recommend reading the second version (EDIT -- actually, read both, I'm curious to know which is seen as stronger, as the endings are radically different).

Will also have the feedback posted shortly on the others.

[kerzain]

I've read the first, but watched a movie before I started writing any feedback. I'll wait for the second and can write some up for it.

[Creole Ned]

Feedback!

Note (Acid):

Trust no one! This is a grim but enjoyable ride and the double-double crosses are well-played. The pace is brisk and the dialogue, particularly Marcelo's, has a good ring to it. The simplicity of the note reading "It's Now or Never" is terrific and the context built for it is both ominous and funny.

While the accident is drawn vividly and this passage is appropriately vivid:

Blood all over both of the black cars, blood coming from the mouth and nose of the victim, blood squirting from somewhere I couldn't see, but it was getting a better range than a crossbow.

I think the comparison to the range of a crossbow is perhaps better-suited to a Raimi horror film than what you were going for here. ;)

I'll admit the imagery at the end confused me a bit. The protagonist has essentially acted in self-defense, so I'm not sure why he'd be thinking about going to jail. Why is he hoping for one more bullet? Is he planning to off himself rather than face the bighouse? Is there someone else that he wants to shoot?

Despite this, I didn't find it detracted from the rest of the story. Nice work.

Try the Chili (kerzain):

Cheater! This doesn't actually follow the premise of the exercise, since the note is never actually finished or delivered. But sometimes the muse leads us in ways we don't expect, so putting that aside, here's my feedback.

There were a few typos and rough edges here, suggesting another round for polish might be worth the effort.

One awkward image I wanted to highlight was this: "As he neared he could see one of her arms hanging awkwardly beneath her while she threw up on her hands and knees" -- reads like she is throwing up onto her hands and her knees, not while on them. Also, it seems to me she would not be resting on both hands if one arm is badly hurt.

I like the way the two main characters are contrasted, the one obsessed with details of her own life and routine, the other putting up with it but more concerned with more immediate things, like the regret for having tried the chili. It feels like the piece is working out more as a character sketch than a story with a traditional narrative, so I was curious to see how things would tie together when it takes a violent turn.

I confess I am not a big fan of having a character "explaining it all after the fact" when it comes to this type of story. Structurally, this feels a bit like a murder mystery by the end, with the crime being recounted and the villain's motives being properly explained but it feels almost out of place with what came before. As a reader, I felt a bit removed from the events, as if reading a report rather than witnessing it. The account the cook gives may have been better if it was played out instead of being recounted after the fact. The simplest way to explain what I mean is too much was told and not enough was shown.

As a character sketch it succeeds more and I like the details you've drawn, but the empathy for Sandy is muted because her character is presented in a negative (though not horribly so) light.

Still, the actual craft in the writing is solid.

Twice a Year (UpOn2Wheels):

Also known as "Women Troubles"!

Well, I'm kind of split here right off the bat because you've committed one of those acts a writer is told never to: tell a story from the POV of someone who turns out to be dead. I suppose technically you could argue the protagonist is not necessarily killed but merely attacked but it seem pretty final.

Feeding into this, I am left with the feeling that the story was conceived with the twist that the waitress is the actual "bad guy" and the story was shaped to fit that scenario. As such, I began looking back to see if the details fit. The guy she claims is a cop is onto her not because he wants to kill her but because he is likely watching her as a suspect and is waiting for her to try something, so that works. However, why would she try something if she knew she was being watched this closely? Crazy is as crazy does? I suppose it can still work but it feels a bit less authentic to me, more serving the needs of the story than happening organically.

I liked the tense, chaste and unfulfilled relationship Paul finds himself in. The exchange between him and Kelly is a minefield (though him describing her as a MILF seems a bit odd, given it's usually a derogatory term) and sets the stage nicely for when the stakes are raised by the waitress's note. The action going forward moves along briskly -- almost too briskly, as Kelly seems to want to suddenly end it all after proclaiming her love. Is this meant to show that she is confused? I was certainly a bit confused! :)

The third paragraph's reference to morality feels unnatural, although it literally conveys what you mean. Perhaps "sense of propriety" or something along those lines would flow better while getting across the point that Paul would not willingly commit adultery.

As I said above, the story moves briskly once the note is revealed and you've done a good job drawing the waitress as near-hysterical, Kelly falling apart and Paul stuck between, just trying to do what he thinks is right -- and paying the price for it.

Once they take off in the car, Paul could have been a bit more concerned about possibly killing the cop as he speeds the waitress off to safety. The twist with the waitress pulling the knife at the end has that good old-fashioned Tales From the Crypt vibe to it and I like that. The "story from a dead guy" still feels like a massive cheat, though.

Overall, a solid and well-paced story with an ending I didn't buy.

Pulling the Bitch (BillD):

"Goat-fucking contest" is a great way to establish tone and pull the reader in with the first paragraph but then the whole analogy got a bit muddled for me and trying to clarify who was who in a goat-fucking contest wasn't exactly something I had been expecting to work out. On the plus side, I enjoyed how the note is presented as bookends to the beginning and end of the story (with the reveal at the end being the final punctuation).

I love the voice of the narrator in this story. I read the whole thing out loud in a tone of firm but somewhat exasperated authority and it just works. Although this piece is mostly an explanation of how Vegas gambling -- and slot machine prizes in particular -- is conducted, it's kept interesting because of that relentless, matter-of-fact, no BS voice the story is told in.

There are plenty of great details throughout the story -- "a shitty little lump of a joint that parked itself on the Las Vegas Strip between Caesar’s Palace and The Mirage, like a hobo who had stumbled into first class", "all the action was cheap and thuggy inside", the details of watching yourself on the surveillance tape. There is so much here that is presented indirectly or as examples but somehow it all hangs together, thanks to the strong and consistent tone of the narrator.

There are only a few minor things that stood out to me. I would strike the mention of the carousel here, so the comparison flows better: "Your machine – often, the whole carousel – goes off like New Year’s Eve 1999 was trapped in a clown car and somebody opened all the doors." There's no indication that Jenny has left before Mike starts asking Jim about her. The full titles feel a bit stilted and could be worked in a little more smoothly. Maybe it's just because most of them are so damn long. But these are quibbles.

Great slice o' Vegas life story.

[kerzain]

Try the Chili (kerzain):

Cheater! This doesn't actually follow the premise of the exercise, since the note is never actually finished or delivered. But sometimes the muse leads us in ways we don't expect, so putting that aside, here's my feedback.Oh yea, my disclaimer: I use topical assignments as seeds of inspiration rather than rules that govern the direction of my story. It's the only way I can feel excited about writing anything. If I know I have free reign to follow whatever unexpected chain of events work themselves out in the story I will remain inspired. Even still, I will try to maintain some elements of the original task (to one degree or another). But in stories like this one I sometimes push certain events into the background.

For this story in particular I wanted to surprise the reader, not by going completely off topic, but taking them through something they weren't expecting, while all the actions and plot points they were expecting are more background info than blow by blow events.

There were a few typos and rough edges here, suggesting another round for polish might be worth the effort.This isn't an excuse, since it's hard to excuse typos, but I literally wrote that as a way to clear my brain when I was in the middle of grueling studies while attempting to test out of a few classes I don't want to take next semester. I had been doing math literally 18 hours a day for a few days up to that point, and had been at it 12 hours when I decided to take a break and write the story.

I tested out of the classes I self-studied for, but my efforts were a bit excessive given my testing deadline and the amount of work I had to squeeze in around it last semester (18 credits, and 18 next too).

So yea, my work is often extremely raw until I go over it in great detail, which is something I honestly didn't have the time to do until very recently. I was just eager to contribute.

I like the way the two main characters are contrasted, the one obsessed with details of her own life and routine, the other putting up with it but more concerned with more immediate things, like the regret for having tried the chili. It feels like the piece is working out more as a character sketch than a story with a traditional narrative, so I was curious to see how things would tie together when it takes a violent turn.Unfortunately short stories are very difficult for me. I think a lot of mine seem more like character studies because I (unintentionally) pace them much more like novels, where you have an extended amount of time to flesh out the characters and the scene. One of my goals with these assignments is to get more action going in the here and now and less time building character in short stories.

I confess I am not a big fan of having a character "explaining it all after the fact" when it comes to this type of story. Structurally, this feels a bit like a murder mystery by the end, with the crime being recounted and the villain's motives being properly explained but it feels almost out of place with what came before. As a reader, I felt a bit removed from the events, as if reading a report rather than witnessing it. The account the cook gives may have been better if it was played out instead of being recounted after the fact. The simplest way to explain what I mean is too much was told and not enough was shown.Yea, I hate these types of endings too. I shoe-horned this one in because, for the same reason mentioned above, it was beginning to blossom into much more than a short story for me. I had to put my foot down and just end the thing, because I really had a lot of work to do that night, and I couldn't spend the whole night having fun fleshing out stories :p. Not an excuse, the story is what it is, and serves as practice for me, but just a hint that I'll be making an effort in the future to tie things up a bit cleaner.

As a character sketch it succeeds more and I like the details you've drawn, but the empathy for Sandy is muted because her character is presented in a negative (though not horribly so) light.

Still, the actual craft in the writing is solid.One of the things I did like about the way I portrayed Sandy was that she wasn't an easy person for her partner to like, but she still did her job the best she could and ended up paying a price for it. I didn't take the time to explore it here, but I wanted a small section about how her partner would question and come to terms with his own negative thoughts about her, but I didn't want to get preachy and I couldn't think of a way to do that without putting in more time that I had.

I also didn't want the reader to empathize with her to much before showing her dedication to her job when left to her own devices, for better or for worse. I like readers liking or disliking a character only to change their mind later. I find that t be how things often work in real life too, pre-conceptions about people lead to tension in and of themselves, and I wanted to try it a bit here without turning it into an 80's sitcom about two people who don't understand each other but would get along if they just dropped pretenses.

All that said, I'm looking forward to future assignment,s because even though I will be busy will a full school schedule again soon, I won't be cramming 18/7 for tests.

[Creole Ned]

Here's the alternate version of my story, A Slice of Life (http://creolened.com/fiction/slice_of_life.pdf). The ending is radically different in this one.

I'm also going back to tweak the original version after getting some off-forum feedback, so if you've read it already, note that it will also be a bit different. Yes, I'm being bad with all these revisions, especially for an exercise, but sometimes ya just gotta do it, you know?

[kerzain]

I just read the second version of Creole's story, A Slice of Life, a story that apparently has absolutely nothing to do with Dexter's boat.

This includes spoilers:

After having read the two different versions of the story I'm glad to see that the second one took the idea of the singularity and ran with it instead of having Chris and Kevin disprove it as they did in the first.

Although the singularity is proven to be just that (or something as weirdly similar) I don't think there was enough denial from the various people in the scene. Yea, we have the guys that make the logical assumption it is a mouse/rat hole, but we don't see anyone freaking out when their mind is blown by a cook being stretched and pulled into the hole. In fact nobody seems to have much reaction at all, except for the waiter who tears up a bit between questions.

I would normally expect a room full of people to stand up, scream and shout, shout run away in a panic and do typical crazy end of the world type stuff, but perhaps they don't understand the gravity of the situation (har har) or perhaps they are in serious denial. But neither of these explanations are delved in to enough to justify their passive, accepting attitudes.

What I took to be stilted dry dialogue on the first run through ends up painting a better picture for me on the second run through, and this is a good thing. I don't think it is because of any particular changes in dialogue so much as getting the feeling that these two guys Chris and Kevin are playing it off like two hard-boiled Men in Black or Dragnet detectives. Dry, hard boiled, deadpan and completely unphased by the crazy shit that goes on around them (Will Smith's performance excluded).

They buy into the problem so easily that it almost comes off as a parody of older Twilight Zone episodes where the show didn't really have time to explore a rational/sane persons typical denial of such things in to too much detail because of time constraints of the episode – plus seeing denial for 15 minutes of every show would get old. Like those shows this story seems to force the issue to keep the story moving along to its intended conclusion.

I think the story could be well served if there is at least a little disbelief that people are seeing what they actually saw – until the ultimate display of what this thing is, so that when the character is bowled over by the death, so is the reader. We want the reader to get emotionally involved, be it through wow-factor of seeing real people in situations like this, or through the 'huh' factor of wondering what we would do in a similar situation. This is what engages me anyway – it's why I like science fiction.

As for character interaction I think some of the dialogue could be trimmed a bit. An example would be when they order their meals. I don't think it is necessary that the reader see exactly what the two guys order, when it could be summed up similar to 'they ordered their food'. This scene comes out more like a tv show or movie because we are shown these two order step by step. In a show/movie it's hard to ignore the food being ordered without actually hearing what the people on screen are saying, unless they are drowned out by a voice-over or something.

In a story the narrative is the voice over, and it is easier to use to the author's and reader's advantage – by trimming and putting into print only those elements that help keep the story moving. Unless facts (like the type of food they order) plays a role in the story there's no need to mention it. Some people confuse this type of thing with scene building, putting the reader in the moment, but this can be better accomplished exploring the people and the situation they are in rather than the blow by blow of their meal, again, unless this is a crucial part of the story.

I like that your story was high concept. High concept stories are hard to pull off because it takes a lot of practice to get the reader to not only suspend disbelief, but to go a little further and to buy into the situation (and especially the believability of the people involved). I've always liked far out stories about stuff like black holes being discovered in a kitchen. I've always been a Twilight Zone kinda guy, so it's cool to see a bit of sci-fi/surrealism/fantasy type stuff work it's way into the stories.

P.S. I thought I remembered Chris coming off as much more visually impaired in the first story, I remember my first instinct when he noticed the sweaty lip on the waiter was to think "How would he know, can he see that well"? I don't know if these were part of the changes you made, perhaps my first impression was a bit wonky. If you did trim out the eyesight stuff I think it was for the best since it doesn't come in to play any time later in the story. If I just imagined it so much the better :p

[UpOn2Wheels]

Twice a Year (UpOn2Wheels):

Also known as "Women Troubles"!

Well, I'm kind of split here right off the bat because you've committed one of those acts a writer is told never to: tell a story from the POV of someone who turns out to be dead. I suppose technically you could argue the protagonist is not necessarily killed but merely attacked but it seem pretty final.

Feeding into this, I am left with the feeling that the story was conceived with the twist that the waitress is the actual "bad guy" and the story was shaped to fit that scenario. As such, I began looking back to see if the details fit. The guy she claims is a cop is onto her not because he wants to kill her but because he is likely watching her as a suspect and is waiting for her to try something, so that works. However, why would she try something if she knew she was being watched this closely? Crazy is as crazy does? I suppose it can still work but it feels a bit less authentic to me, more serving the needs of the story than happening organically.

I liked the tense, chaste and unfulfilled relationship Paul finds himself in. The exchange between him and Kelly is a minefield (though him describing her as a MILF seems a bit odd, given it's usually a derogatory term) and sets the stage nicely for when the stakes are raised by the waitress's note. The action going forward moves along briskly -- almost too briskly, as Kelly seems to want to suddenly end it all after proclaiming her love. Is this meant to show that she is confused? I was certainly a bit confused! :)

The third paragraph's reference to morality feels unnatural, although it literally conveys what you mean. Perhaps "sense of propriety" or something along those lines would flow better while getting across the point that Paul would not willingly commit adultery.

As I said above, the story moves briskly once the note is revealed and you've done a good job drawing the waitress as near-hysterical, Kelly falling apart and Paul stuck between, just trying to do what he thinks is right -- and paying the price for it.

Once they take off in the car, Paul could have been a bit more concerned about possibly killing the cop as he speeds the waitress off to safety. The twist with the waitress pulling the knife at the end has that good old-fashioned Tales From the Crypt vibe to it and I like that. The "story from a dead guy" still feels like a massive cheat, though.

Overall, a solid and well-paced story with an ending I didn't buy.



Thanks Ned!

The story and the ending evolved as I was writing it. I agree that the ending was rather abrupt, and the story may flow a bit better with a re-write or two. Things I'd change:

- slow the tempo of the story
- develop the ending, starting from the time the protagonist leaves the restaurant.
- clarify the final outcome - the protagonist is alive, but badly wounded. He'll have some more than a little explaining to do.

I wrote this a a "throw-away" story for the exercise, but I may want to go back and play around with it. You never know...

[Creole Ned]

Exercises are just that -- no need to pursue them further if they've accomplished what you wanted them to. :) That said, I've been compelled to go back and work more on some of the stories I've written here.

kerzain, thanks for the feedback. I enjoy reading science fiction but freely admit I am not that great at writing it. The story wasn't conceived so much as SF but more "something weird happens". I tweaked the ending of the original version (the one still called "The End of the Meal") and it alludes to the possibility that it might be a singularity after the characters dismiss it.

I agree on the ordering food -- I was probably thinking of tying it in somehow and then never got around to it (Kevin makes his order sound like it's a bold departure for him but to no apparent effect later).

Another polish pass would fix up a few other parts, like the relative non-reaction to the singularity swallowing up the cook. I imagine the reaction would be a kind of shock for most people, a "Did I just really see that?" sort of thing but it isn't really conveyed. Kevin musing over at least another person getting sucked in does speak a bit to how I'd think a lot of people would react -- with a gawker mentality. So many now seem inured to seeing freaky crap that they're more likely to take pictures or poke it with a stick than act rational (and be horrified).

Christian's good eyes/bad eyes is a technical flub on my part -- good catch.

The last thing I'll mention is the two main characters are ones that originally appeared in a play I wrote 20 years ago. Both subsequently appeared in another short story I wrote shortly after and Kevin also appears in an unfinished play. It's possible I may have written them with a familiarity the reader would not have. You're right about them not being phased by much, though.

[kerzain]

Ahh, knowing that you have experience writing plays explains some of the lengthy dialogue to me. When I suggested it could be trimmed a bit because it felt like a tv show/movie to me I hadn't considered plays, and it fits with that impression I had of a performance piece compared to a story.

I hope you didn't take my input as a put down towards your sci-fi writing skills. In a perfect world I would write awesome mind-bending sci-fi, since I like to read this stuff. But in reality my attempts have been dreadful. For some reason I do okay with people interactions, but sci-fi/supernatural/weird elements all come out sounding forced from my end.

[Creole Ned]

No, I didn't see your input as a putdown at all. The story as an SF piece is fairly weak, I think -- there's no explanation for the singularity, most of the story in fact doesn't even feature it at all (and the original version largely suggests it may not have been real, anyway). If you want to see another example of my "no explanation needed!" science fiction, take a look at Hello? (http://creolened.com/fiction/hello.pdf), which I did for Exercise 11.

[kerzain]

No, I didn't see your input as a putdown at all. The story as an SF piece is fairly weak, I think -- there's no explanation for the singularity, most of the story in fact doesn't even feature it at all (and the original version largely suggests it may not have been real, anyway). If you want to see another example of my "no explanation needed!" science fiction, take a look at Hello? (http://creolened.com/fiction/hello.pdf), which I did for Exercise 11.
I've grown to enjoy "No explanation" stories. When I was younger I'd froth at the mouth and feel an urge to punch people in the face when sci-fi type stories never explained what or why something happened before it ended.

As I got older I read many great books (or watched movies) that don't bother explaining everything in the first book/movie. I end up dwelling on the story so much (I found out I enjoy doing this quite a bit) so that when a sequel came out that pulled the curtain back and showed me exactly what was going on I was invariably let down, almost every time -- because I had come up with a better explanation on my own, and had fun doing it.

Although part of the fun is getting the big pay off in the form of answers, I don't think all stories are best served by this, and at times end up making the story more about the wierd event/device/super power/whatever rather than the people that have to deal with the situation -- and it's how people deal with the situation that really make the story, not the hows and whys something strange occurs. If you can work in explanations without ruining the story, awesome, ifyou can't.. well.. sometimes that is for the better too, especially in situations where the explained science behind the idea just doesn't work.

[Creole Ned]

I'd have liked more opinions on my entry (either version). I went to 9 with a friend last night who is a huge math/science wonk and after outlining my story to him, he predictably explained how I got the singularity all wrong. :) In the interests of fiction, we agreed that maybe it wasn't really a singularity but something that just seemed like one, but acted exactly as I wrote.

[kerzain]

Yea, you blew the science aspects of the singularity, but I didn't know if you wanted to know that, since half the story depended on it I didn't feel it was necessary to blow it all up for you.

[Creole Ned]

Note in the original version of the story there was little to no attempt to explain or even show the science. :P