Exercise #15: Follow the Tracks

[Creole Ned]

Exercise #15: Follow the Tracks

Write a short story about one or more characters following (walking along) railroad tracks.

Due Monday, April 6th.

Entries:

The Soldier (http://www.bluh.org/thesoldier.pdf) (Charles)
Follow the Tracks (http://creolened.com/fiction/follow_the_tracks.pdf) (Creole Ned)
Stories on rails (http://creolened.com/fiction/stories_on_rails.pdf) (Arioch)

[Creole Ned]

Note the due date has been pushed back a week. From here forward every exercise will have at least two weeks before deadline unless it's something really simple, like "Write a sentence that begins with the letter 'y'."

[Charles]

Here's my entry:

www.bluh.org/thesoldier.pdf

[Creole Ned]

I totally cheated on my entry. This is actually a story I started in 1992 and I used this exercise as an excuse to try to finish it. See if you can figure out where the writing jumps from 1992 to 2009. :P I did try to treat the date this time as a definite "pencils down" so there are things I'd probably tweak but here it is for now: Follow the Tracks (http://creolened.com/fiction/follow_the_tracks.pdf)

[Creole Ned]

Arioch's entry, which he apologizes for! Stories on rails (http://creolened.com/fiction/stories_on_rails.pdf)

I will be posting some feedback either tonight or tomorrow.

[Arioch]

Charles: You're no fan of happy endings, are you? I found your interweaving of the different timelines quite neat (the railwalking, the ambush and the women), and I thought the general vagueness (no names, no clear destination, only Germany giving us at least a time and place) fit the story.

Ned: I guess the jump occurs after the protagonist reaches Darby's End? Strange little story, but I really like that your stories actually have a storyline, where I can't seem to do more than scenes. Again I hoped in vain for an explanation, but that's more my fault than yours. I found it a little odd that anyone, regardless of how tired he is, would rest their head on rails, as they are not famous for their comfort, and I would have liked a little more information about Darby, about what it is that makes the protagonist so drawn to it.

[Creole Ned]

Feedback!

Arioch:
The "bad main story" is cute, if slight and the master's words build up an appropriate sense of occasion before the inevitable smushing. "Tracks" may have worked better than "rails" here, lending more to the "twist" at the end:

"North", his master answered. "These rails will lead us to the abominable entity which is responsible for the death of both my father and my grandfather...

The "bad bonus story" is more poetry than story, though I'll be damned if I can identify the style. I was (and am) a wretched poet. Like the main story, it's cute and hey, bonus!

Charles:
Also known as "some guys have all the [bad] luck".

Two quibbles to start. First, the phrase "in the heat of the moment" appears twice on page 1 and it's the kind of phrase that sticks out, so I'd probably change one of them to something else. Also the phrase "in the middle of a war-torn country" feels a little too stagey. You could probably cut it and convey the story's setting through context. In fact, pulling it and putting nothing in its place seems fine to me.

I found it very easy to visualize the scene of the soldier in the woods, it's almost an archetypal image (and I haven't even seen Band of Brothers!) and the smoothly-transitioned flashbacks to earlier and more personal travails creates a sense of doom which is realized at story's end.

I was unclear on why the high school incident resulted in so much laughter and why he didn't seem to have a chance. It felt as if a piece of information was missing -- a physical defect or personality flaw, even just bad breath. Still, getting rejected at that age can often happen for seemingly capricious reasons, so it's not a big concern.

There are a few nice turns of phrase, such as "Her smile had stolen his soul, and he asked her to dinner in return, youth informing him confidently that it was a fair trade."

Overall, a solid effort.

[Creole Ned]

Ned: I guess the jump occurs after the protagonist reaches Darby's End? Strange little story, but I really like that your stories actually have a storyline, where I can't seem to do more than scenes. Again I hoped in vain for an explanation, but that's more my fault than yours. I found it a little odd that anyone, regardless of how tired he is, would rest their head on rails, as they are not famous for their comfort, and I would have liked a little more information about Darby, about what it is that makes the protagonist so drawn to it.
The jump actually occurs a few lines after the protagonist meets Pete on the tracks. When I stopped writing at that point back in 1992 I had no idea where the story was going, rather unlike most railroad tracks. :P

Point taken with the head on the tracks. He probably should have just curled up on the ties, if anything.

If I had taken more time with it, I would have further fleshed out Darby's End and done more to convey the protagonist's dead end life so that the place held more appeal. Some of the more obvious explanations for the place I passed on (the protagonist explicitly details one of them) but I wanted a lingering doubt over how "real" a place it was.

This is a story I may actually return to at some point for a second draft.

[Charles]

Charles: You're no fan of happy endings, are you? I found your interweaving of the different timelines quite neat (the railwalking, the ambush and the women), and I thought the general vagueness (no names, no clear destination, only Germany giving us at least a time and place) fit the story.

No, I'm really not. I'd rather explore the side that's unconventional. The vagueness was certainly intentional. In fact, I had wanted to avoid even naming the war, leaving it open. But I had trouble with that so I just set it in WW2.



Charles:
Also known as "some guys have all the [bad] luck".

Two quibbles to start. First, the phrase "in the heat of the moment" appears twice on page 1 and it's the kind of phrase that sticks out, so I'd probably change one of them to something else. Also the phrase "in the middle of a war-torn country" feels a little too stagey. You could probably cut it and convey the story's setting through context. In fact, pulling it and putting nothing in its place seems fine to me.


The repeated phrase stood out during me editing passes, but in the end I left it because the two are very specifically linked. Also I couldn't find a different phrase. You won't take my opening sentence from me though!


I found it very easy to visualize the scene of the soldier in the woods, it's almost an archetypal image (and I haven't even seen Band of Brothers!) and the smoothly-transitioned flashbacks to earlier and more personal travails creates a sense of doom which is realized at story's end.


I certainly wanted to paint a picture of a soldier worried about dying, so I guess that got across. Not sure that counts as doom, but I'll take it.


I was unclear on why the high school incident resulted in so much laughter and why he didn't seem to have a chance. It felt as if a piece of information was missing -- a physical defect or personality flaw, even just bad breath. Still, getting rejected at that age can often happen for seemingly capricious reasons, so it's not a big concern.


Yeah, I just assumed everyone knew that guy who was an outcast just because. I certainly knew people like that (and occasionally was one). I'll consider that for next time.


There are a few nice turns of phrase, such as "Her smile had stolen his soul, and he asked her to dinner in return, youth informing him confidently that it was a fair trade."

Overall, a solid effort.

Thankyousir. My own commentary will have to wait. Hopefully early next week.