Exercise 13: A generated plot

[Creole Ned]

Exercise 13:

Write a story based on the three items generated using the Serendipitous Plot Creator (http://writingfix.com/right_brain/Serendipitous_Plots1.htm). You can keep mixing and matching elements until you get something you like.

I'm extending the deadline out a bit on this one. It'll be Friday, March 13th. Yes, Friday the 13th again. Scary!

Entries:
The Nurse's Dream (http://creolened.com/fiction/nurses-dream.pdf) (Arioch)
Superhero Go Home (http://creolened.com/fiction/superhero_go_home.pdf) (Creole Ned)
Good Night Charlie (http://www.paladinsplayroom.com/stories/Good%20Night%20Charlie.pdf) (Paladin)

[Creole Ned]

Two more notes for #13:

1. This can be a short story or just a single scene -- your choice.
2. Specify the three elements used in the story. You can do that by including them in the thread here or at the beginning of the story. Write them out or take a screenshot similar to above (but cropped tighter), either is good.

[Rimbo]

I drew:

Setting -- A dank cave
Character -- A movie star
Conflict -- your character suddenly cannot speak

[Creole Ned]

:tumble:

I'm sure someone will have something for Exercise 13 soon!

[Creole Ned]

Arioch's entry: The Nurse's Dream (http://creolened.com/fiction/nurses-dream.pdf).

Setting: an art museum
Character: a nurse
Plot element: your character can't stop sneezing

[Creole Ned]

My entry: Superhero Go Home (http://creolened.com/fiction/superhero_go_home.pdf)

Setting: A tiny town
Character: a superhero
Plot element: No one wants to help your character

[Paladin]

Good Night Charlie (http://www.paladinsplayroom.com/stories/Good%20Night%20Charlie.pdf)

Character: A homeless person
Setting: A zoo at night
Plot: Something scary is approaching your character

I already know I'm not going to get any points for originality on this one. The sad truth is, I got hung up trying to write an interesting story based on the first character/setting/plot I rolled, and never could get anything good to come out of it. I didn't misunderstand and think I had to use the first ones I rolled, they just struck such a chord that I wanted to use them:

Character: A thief
Setting: A dank cave
Plot: A nearby dam has burst (or something very much like that)

I'm going to show my age here, but those three things had me immediately go to Zork I, a text adventure computer game from Infocom which featured a thief, plenty of dank caves, and Flood Control Dam #3. Try as I might, I couldn't come up with a story that didn't reek. So, I went back to the website and rolled another combo I could work with. The result is "Good Night Charlie", a cautionary tale of a society so intent on cutting costs that it throws morality out the window.

Anyway, it's not my best work, but since I've been pretty hit and miss (mostly miss) on getting any story turned in, I wanted to get something written for this one.

Feedback -

Ned:

Man, you are seriously at your best writing comedy. You have a gift for it. I loved the superhero names, the Cobalt Sensation, Crow-Man, The Supersonic Pigeon, The Prarie Dog and The Amazing Reach. They worked because, without describing any of them (except Cobalt), I had no trouble creating a visualization of them. I also liked your description of how the Earth went from only having a few mutant heroes to being overrun with costumed crusaders.

The only criticism I can come up with is the diner waitress, which seems to be becoming as much a stock character in our writing exercises as shambling zombies. The only other thing I can think of is that I didn't want it to end so soon. This is definitely a setting you need to revisit sometime.

Arioch:

Very interesting, and original, short story. I really liked how you didn't go for the obvious, a person who just embarasses themself or annoys others by sneezing in a museum. Mary was a bit of a stereotype, the stern matronly woman who doesn't wear colors, dance, have fun or condone those things in others. However, the vibrancy of the dream offset that a lot for me. I'm not sure I like the ending you have, or if I would have preferred that her outlook on life had been changed by he dream.

One question, was she sneezing glitter or flitter? You said both.

[Creole Ned]

Feedback!

Arioch:
I'm curious if you went with what came up first for you or if you kept clicking until you found a combination you were happy with.

I like the weird dream sneezing. The idea that this dour woman sneezes glitter and everyone -- and everything -- in the dream roars approval is downright delightful. I can buy that when she wakes up (with a smile) she quickly reverts to form but I felt there could have been more to suggest she had been shifted out of her comfort zone (if only a little) by the dream. Perhaps if it was a longer piece.

"In the real world, Mary Perinneau's sneeze consisted of nothing more than a short moment of silence, followed by a sigh." reads a bit awkwardly. I'm not sure it's necessary to describe her "real" sneezes to the reader; it may work better to just have her let out a huge honking sneeze that we would know is uncharacteristic of her. "David, who stole a stole..." is cute. :)

Overall, an original take on what you drew from the plot generator.

Paladin:
I want to read your story about the thief at Flood Control Dam #3 now. :(

The "let's go hunt us some people" theme is not original, as you note -- I wrote a version of it back in grade school (and it was pretty bad, as I recall).

Your imagery and phrasing has improved here and you didn't throw in some wacky twist ending, so I give you five thumbs up for that alone. ;)

I like the small details here -- the whooping of birds, Charlie improvising by peeing into the handicap fountain, but the overall premise still seems unbelievable. I don't blame you, it's just not a very convincing story concept (for me, at least). One suggestion might be to make the zookeeper's explanation less direct, rather than just have him explicitly explain what's going down. Have his actions do most of the talking. I was also curious why he was using a tranq gun.

But subject matter aside, I think this is definitely a step forward for you. The writing is more natural and you show more (as opposed to telling) than previously.

Me:
The waitress is totally out of Casting 101. I may rewrite her character just for the heck of it. It won't change the story much but it will wash the stink of cliche away a little. :) The various superhero names all came to me without any thought except for the main character. I wanted his name to sound impressive without being too specific. It was tougher than I thought. :P

[Arioch]

Ned: Oh man, I really wish I had at least used the generator until I saw there were super heroes in it. Funny stuff, as usual. Great idea with the heroic overpopulation, that sounds straight like the MMO City of Heroes, which suffers from the same problem. The Cobalt Sensation talked a little too much Golden Age for my tastes, but maybe that comes with the job. A few minor nitpicks: your plot element doesn't really fit the story. Also I thought the dialogue with the children, where he explains his costume, sounds a little odd and would fit probably more either in a dialogue with an adult or as an internal one. And finally, you made a cape joke. I've yet to read a superhero story without one.

On the other side I really enjoyed your hero/villain names, the pig and the buddy system idea.

Paladin: Short and bitter. I also wondered about the tranquilizer darts, won't that make the animals sleepy when the get fed? No wonder they had to cut the price of admission... Seriously, I liked how those few parts of information fitted together in the end, though I think the reader could guess the purpose of the outer gate without the bum spelling it out.

Arioch:
That was really the first combination I got, and I stuck with it. I first thought of her sneezing flitter, but wasn't sure if it meant the same in english as in german, so I went with glitter - but retroactively, there's nothing wrong with her spewing different unprobable materials. I know she's quite the stock material character, but the ending was chosen on purpose, because I thought it important that even mean, serious people may have crazy, fantastic dreams. Dreams are very personal, and as wild as they may get, they need not to influence our daily life, for better or for worse.

[Creole Ned]

Flitter (http://www.answers.com/main/ntquery?s=flitter&gwp=13) does not mean the same thing in English. :) Fair point on dreams not necessarily affecting one's daily life, though I tend to believe they reflect our fears and desires. I guess you could argue that Mary is repressed and her dreams represent a subconscious attempt to liberate herself from that repression.

The Cobalt Sensation is totally a Golden Age-type hero, one who takes himself very seriously, one of the reasons he probably doesn't get along with the other heroes. Some of my original ideas for the story hewed closer to the plot generator in that he was seeking actual assistance from the citizens and they were indifferent or unable to provide answers but that route ran out of steam quickly, so I bent the rules a bit. They still don't really help him, though!

[Rimbo]

Ugh. Life got in the way for me on this one.

[Paladin]

Yeah, there really wasn't anything original about the plot in my story. With a homeless person in a zoo and something scary approaching, I was thinking of either a person who killed homeless people or an escaped animal, such as a tiger. I don't think I'm quite up to writing a story where the object of suspense is an animal. I suppose I could have gone off on a tangent, and had him be chased around the park by a clown, but I really did want to write a story without a humorous twist at the end, and the plot I went with did that. As for the tranqualizer darts, it was something the zookeeper would have access to, and be far less likely to draw attention to the zoo than actual gunshots every night. Besides, a couple of animal tranqualizers will do the job as well as a bullet.

[Creole Ned]

Ah, see -- I did not realize that a couple of darts would kill a person. That makes sense.

And I'm glad you passed on the clown idea. Unless it was going to be about hunting clowns.