News Limerick

[Kermit]

If fearing you'll be left alone,
your canine you needn't bemoan.
For nearing life's end
a new man's best friend
can be attained by making his clone (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/01/28/parker.fl.cloned.puppy.wpbf).

[Tai]

I suspect I could have found a matching dog for 155 thousand also. :P

[Kermit]

I don’t want to sound like I’m bitter,
but we’ll need money for a new baby sitter.
We thought it’d be heaven,
in one shot to have seven,
but eight is really more of a litter (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2009/01/octuplet-births.html).

[Kermit]

(with Scandinavian/Yuper/Fargo accent)

In Minnesota (oh for da Christ)
police have this criminal iced.
They saw his fur hat,
which was like a dead cat,
His defence? "It's a loan, not a heist. (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0127091bank1.html)"

[Tai]

Keep them coming!! :)

[Kermit]

It's been said that life is a bitch,
and now he'll never get rich.
How ironic to spend time
in the unemployment line
when your name is Blagojevich (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7859588.stm).

[Kermit]

Google Earth makes it easy to spot,
any location, building or lot.
But you'll end up in jail,
or at least making bail,
if Police find your two acres of Pot. (http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=6759110)

[Creole Ned]

This is the best way to present news ever!

[Kermit]

I don't know... do they still have nakednews.com?

I don't have a lot of creative outlets right now. I'm going to keep this up till I get sick of it or there is a public outcry involving pitchforks and/or torches.

This is by no means a personal thread, others should feel free to post here too.

[Creole Ned]

No, this baby is yours. I'm being informed and entertained. This is what infotainment was meant to be!

[Circuit]

Someone please ban Ned for using the "word" "infotainment". Thanks in advance.

[Tai]

I think it is great because by the time you post it I have usually read the story and it makes it fun to guess/identify what it is about. :) I am also quite impressed with your poetic skills.

[Kermit]

Do not confuse a knack for rhyme with poetic skill. My meter is atrocious, but I try to write them in 3 minutes or less. If they are too polished, it takes some of the fun out of it for me.

I do quiz my brother in law at work after writing them. I'll read the whole thing except the last word or two and make him guess.

[Kermit]

As part of the recycling loop,
in Japan they've learned to recoup.
It's a sight to behold,
who thought so much Gold
could be found by sifting through poop. (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/us_gold_sewage_odd;_ylt=Agqt9Yg7cHQFQgt9rtqM8ejtiB IF)

[Tai]

well crap, I invested in the wrong mine.

[Kermit]

Guns 'n Roses said "You Could Be Mine".
The man in black said he'd "Walk the Line".
But if you've got the cash,
then to Ebay now dash,
and claim Jenny's 5-3-0-9 (http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/02/ebay.jennys.number/index.html).

[Kermit]

The Super Bowl's really top notch,
we know it's commercials you watch.
So two guys with some cash,
(and a small Doritos stash)
make a million-dollar shot to the crotch. (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28982084/)

(see the winning video here (http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/))

[Kermit]

You might think that she is insane,
But she's had her whole life to train.
Most grandmothers seek,
to be mild and meek
and this one jumps out of a plane (http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/02/17/skydiving.generations/index.html).

[Kermit]

Media companies say stop.
Yar! You're ripping us off!
But the King Kong Defense
makes Chewbacca (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chewbacca_defense) make sense
so the Pirate Bay will get off (http://torrentfreak.com/g-defense-090218/).

[Tai]

Need one for today please!!

[Kermit]

Great movies are hard to compare,
Though the Acadamy last night did declare.
In support none was better,
than that Joker, Heath Ledger
The best picture? Slum Dog Millionaire (http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/oscars/2009/02/22/2009-02-22_slumdog_millionaire_wins_oscar_for_best_.html).

[Tai]

Thank you! :)

[F7]

More Kermit! These are awesome.

[Kermit]

Murdock is looking like a gimp,
controversy blowing up like a blimp.
his intent was communication
about some bad legislation,
not calling the president a chimp (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090224/ap_en_ot/ny_post_cartoon).

We're a little lacking in the humorous story department of the news right now. There are plenty of depressing stories, but putting them to rhyme just doesn't seem right. It's got to be cheeky.

[Tai]

there's that google atlantis thing...

[Kermit]

Yeah what was the deal with that? Google says it's just sonar ghosting? I didn't quite get why that was news. Unless it turns out it really is Atlantis, then it would be major.

[Tai]

mermaids!

[F7]

I so want to bang a mermaid.

[Tai]

get PADI certified?

[Kermit]

I so want to bang a mermaid.

Apparently you've never watched sturgeon or salmon spawn.

[Kermit]

Michelle has been using her charms,
in a photo that's raising alarms.
Who thought that the life
of a Democratic First Wife,
would cause debate on the right to bare arms (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=6986019&page=1).

[Tai]

yes, these are the big debates our nation must have. =/

[Kermit]

Tourists don't know what to think.
Snapping pictures so fast you can't blink.
It's not Ahab's white whale,
cause with a flamingo-like tail,
this dolphin just looks very pink (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4927224/Pink-dolphin-appears-in-US-lake.html).

[Tai]

oh very well done, very well done indeed. *clap*

[Kermit]

Yes, special thanks to Tai for recommending that story in IRC.

[Tai]

It was Ned's story! I was just thrusting the link at everyone I could. :)

[Kermit]

Of my hardware I'd like to grouse,
I need some new parts in my house.
My monitor's old,
my CPU's cold,
and I've a hamster instead of a mouse (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,505150,00.html).

[Tai]

Hrm, I might have to buy one of their robot development kits. My LEGO Mindstorm was never quite able to carry a full bottle of beer. Nice link!

[Kermit]

Living on lakefront was nice,
but when selling I'll lower my price.
My insurance is crud,
I've got coverage for flood,
but the damage was all caused by ice (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/03/10/sotvo.ice.wall.houses.wnem).

[Kermit]

An autistic boy oh so cute,
on a window sill decided to scoot.
He'd end up quite dead,
if it not for this web-head,
a firefighter in a Spider-man suit (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7961208.stm).

[Tai]

You never know when a Spidey suit in your locker will come in handy! :)

[Kermit]

The thought made everyone swoon,
a child floats away in a balloon.
It would kind of be sad,
but instead we get mad,
At a father who acts the buffoon.

or. . .

The whole country up in a panic,
my parents, for the press, looking manic.
Hey mom look at me,
we'll be on T.V!
When you let me back down from the attic.

[Tai]

Yay, Kermit has time again! :) I like the second one.

[armerius]

wow... just wow...

that's serious talent

[Kermit]

This one is from my own back yard. The drive-by occurred about a mile from my house. We're not used to "big city" style shootings around here.

The cure to all wounds is sweet time
(which is what you'll get for doing the crime).
Take my advice
maybe next time think twice,
and open the windows before shooting your Nine (http://m.postcrescent.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20091105/APC0101/911050559/-1/WAP&template=wapart).

[Tai]

Ah, binge drinking and guns, what could go wrong?

[Tai]

I am really not good at these. Kermit, please do it right.

There once was a woman so brave,
as she drove to meet her knave,
her ex she had steer
(and not in the clear)
as around her *beep* she did shave (http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/288870).

[Kermit]

She wanted to get herself set,
for her new bo, a man she's just met.
So before the big bash,
her ex-husband did snatch,
the wheel while she used her Gillette (http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/288870).

[Tai]

oh well done, well done! :)

[armerius]

fantastic.

[Creole Ned]

Nice wordplay, you sly old dog. Er, frog.

[Kermit]

The idea should be given the boot.
The kids (cheering him on) did root.
Next time they’ll play tag,
if their plans hit a snag,
instead of getting stuck in the chute (http://www.wsau.com/news/articles/2010/mar/22/man-stuck-laundry-chute/).

[Kermit]

Grand theft a line not to push,
so he'll be getting a spank on the tush.
Friends in jail he will join,
for attempting to purloin,
a palm-tree in a place famous for bush (http://www2.hernandotoday.com/content/2010/mar/22/221356/man-steals-1000-palm-tree-my-gynecologist/).

[Tai]

excellent news!

[Kermit]

Two women who might be insane,
caused some fellow passengers to complain.
The in-flight movies,
should be "Weekend at Bernie's",
when you smuggle a corpse on a plane (http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gZJ9Us4MoQOZNiEMzlp3Egm-u66gD9ETJB9O0).

[Tai]

Laf, you came through!! So awesome :)

[Creole Ned]

Very nicely done, as always.

* gives Kermit the man-sized lizard award for excellence in news-related poetry *

[Tai]

Very nicely done, as always.

* gives Kermit the man-sized lizard award for excellence in news-related poetry *

I remembered the name of the series with the man sized lizards with double penii:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_Powers

[Kermit]

I'm not touching that one with your ten foot pole.

[Tai]

I'm not touching that one with your ten foot pole.

grin :)

[Tai]

If only there were a news story to go with this one:

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

[Tai]

bump. THIS (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_britain_segway_death) needs to be written up please. :)

[Paladin]

"Owning Segway would be fun I think!"
The Englishman said with a wink.
He rode at top speeds.
All around Leeds.
Until he scooted off into the drink.

[Tai]

that works! thanks! :) You guys are all so smart.

[Kermit]

Bravo!

[Kermit]

At the U.N. they wanted to see,
the difference between real life and T.V.
Othman got the contract,
for our first ever contact,
in case we want to talk to E.T. (http://blastr.com/2010/09/un-creates-first-contact.php)

[Kermit]

A young man who's brains are quite thick,
gets arrested, the charges will stick.
His costume's quite hokey,
now he's stuck in the pokey,
'till he learns to define "Ironic" (http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/cops-man-in-breathalyzer-costume-fails-breathalyzer/19701278).

[Kermit]

I need more stories. It only takes me a couple minutes to crank these things out, but it takes a long time or insane luck to find suitably cute and cheeky news stories for the subjects. If anyone hears or sees something that would make a good one and doesn't want to write it up yourself, help a frog out.

[Tai]

I shall make this a top priority upon my return :)

[armerius]

I remain in awe of this talent!

[Kermit]

To be 100% honest, I shamelessly stole the idea from NPR's Saturday morning broadcast show "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me".

[armerius]

don't care... stolen or not, I simply am not enough of a wordsmith to make good on the concept... you execute it well.

[Creole Ned]

I concur. Kermit does a great job on these. I don't always reply to each one but it's more a "you're doing it right" kind of thing. :)

[Kermit]

A few more letters may have been missed,
and her fellow contests are sure to be pissed.
Pat Sajak was stunned,
at how Caitlin Burke won,
when she had a good feeling 'bout this. (http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/wheel-of-fortune-contestant-solves-27letter-puzzle-with-just-one-letter-as-a-clue--1717)

(Stunning video linked on the news page)

[Creole Ned]

Stunning video not available outside the U.S.!

[Kermit]

Burn!

Odd, it was a youtube video when I linked the page, now it's Hulu.

There's a slightly less stunning version on youtube here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEuWu8NZqts) for now. But know that you are breaking international copyright law and possibly putting small furry creatures in danger by viewing from Canada eh?

[Tick]

assuming Youtube lets him view it in Canada.

I actually see how she did it. The first word had to be either I've or I'll, and with L out of the way, it had to be I've. She knew there were no Rs. It wasn't 100% clear, but it was a really good guess.

[Paladin]

Not really a news story, but this (http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/19/tsa-confiscates-heav.html) seemed like it would make good limerick fodder.

[Kermit]

That's actually a very old military joke. The original version I heard was tanker troops coming back through a checkpoint in Gulf War I. Once they were cleared the sergeant leans over to his men and whispers, "thank God they didn't notice the tank wasn't ours.".

I'd like to say terrorists be damn,
so I opt out of the full body scan.
Out of line I'll be steppin'
with my nail clippers and weapon,
to submit to a proctal exam.

[Kermit]

Obviously "Mark" thinks that he should,
"It's my yard, I could and I would"
He'll be doin' alright,
with his Christmas of white
and his snowman with a KKK hood (http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/2010/12/idaho_man_spreads_christmas_time_racism_with_kkk_s nowman.php).

[armerius]

great one there...

but i'm not sure whether to laugh at the article or cry at the comments.

[Kermit]

Yeah, there's still a fine line in this country between funny and sad when it comes to racism. I considered that before trying this one.

[Kermit]

To the fights the people did flock,
to watch cruelty at which most would balk.
With a slash to the jowl,
that made him cry fowl,
this dick was killed by his cock (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3360068/Fowl-play-as-fight-cock-kills-owner.html).

[Tai]

that is fucking awesome :)

[Kermit]

In sports it's hard to foresee,
a route that makes fans cheer "Yippee!"
But some will protest,
that the starters should rest,
when the score's A Hundred-Eight to just Three (http://rivals.yahoo.com/highschool/blog/prep_rally/post/108-3-girls-basketball-rout-raises-questions?urn=highschool-311327).

[Kermit]

The people just don't know what to do,
the chickens should just sit and stew.
These people are sick,
it's an epidemic!
Roosters are killing more than the Avian Flu (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/rooster_revenge_cockfighting_bird_vdWgYmiTQbLmMBlt VoPmxK).

(2nd one in 3 weeks!)

[Tai]

you know, I saw that headline and thought to myself, funny, I just read about the same thing happening in like India or somewhere.

And while I'm not sure it's fair to ask you to come up with two limericks on the same topic I am glad to see you pulled it off without getting your feathers ruffled.

[Kermit]

Har!