jackrabbit
01-27-2009, 11:27 AM
Review - Three Things That Sucked
Wanted
I saw Wanted on Pay Per View this weekend. I don't know who adapted the comic, and I never read the comic, but this film was bad. It took the action from Matrix, the plot from National Treasure, and the flat characters from Fast and the Furious, and removed anything redeeming those films had. The plot ends up so tangled by the end, you consider rewinding to the chapter where it fell apart, and realize it's simply not worth the effort. If you believe people can shoot bullets out of the air, survive a thousand-foot fall into a ravine, or like skeletons with lips like Angelina, you will love this film.
Force Unleashed
27 Years in the making, Force Unleashed is the tale of the secret apprentice of a secret Sith lord apprentice of Luke's real father who is a Jedi Bounty Hunter born from a clone and really a prince who rides a unicorn. The controls in this game are so sloppy, it's like trying to drive a car from the back seat. Tapping two buttons initiates a combo in the opposite direction of your target that goes on for 8 seconds. targeting anything involves an element of prayer, and most enemies will block your attacks anyhow. The game should look good but doesn't, and you get to tell just how bad in all the close up cinemas. My brother tells me that the story is ultimately good if you can wade through sloppy controls, but I wasn't able to. One thing about this game that did rock was the physics. Too bad they showcased them on such a shitty, predictable, Star Wars license.
Gears of War 2
Marcus "the Hawk" Fenix is back with his squad of awkwardly-named, culturally insensitive soldiers. This time, their last human city is under threat of being sunk into the earth by the Locust enemies. Also by the enemies of the Locust, the glowing Locust. And this time it's serious, cause Locust don't kill people now, they put them in crates for a reason that's never explained. Perhaps one of the crates holds Santiago's wife, whom he has promised to rescue at all costs! (and by "rescue", we mean "shoot in the face" and by "all costs" we mean "thin plot device").
The last refuge city of Jacinto is under attack by a giant worm that threatens to sink the city into the earth. Marcus and crew aim to stop the beast at all costs, from inside, dodging teeth and guts and using their chainsaws on its three hearts. Also, there's a giant fish Marcus aims to stop at all costs, from the inside. Just with a few grenades, though.
To reach the giant worm and fish, Marcus has to drive a tank over the ice lakes that crumble beneath him. He gets many chances as there's only one path to do so, and any deviation restarts the level. He should have recruited Dirk the Daring from Dragon's Lair to help him.
With the worm defeated, Marcus learns that the Locust city, and their enemy, the glowing Locusts, are directly underneath Jacinto. His dead(?) father from GoW1 has suggested the terrible, genocidal plan to sink the city of Jacinto, the last human refuge, on top of the Locust city.
The COG general decides that this will end the war (I can see his logic: if everyone from both sides is dead, the war effectively ends) and agree that Fenix should sink the last human refuge city of Jacinto on top of the Locusts. Despite that this was the Locusts' original plan, they try to stop Fenix.
Four thin columns of stone hold the city up! Marcus is only able to destroy 3 with his chaingun, but because the game doesn't employ the physics engine of Force Unleashed, the last column is apparently more than enough to keep the city supported, and immune to chain guns. Thank God one of the glowing locusts is standing next to it and they explode now (something never mentioned before). Hooray! Humanity is saved by killing them all! And the Locusts!
If you are playing this game for the plot, perhaps it's time to renew your subscription to Highlights or Golden Books. The story is like a pick your own adventure book read sequentially from cover to cover. It makes no sense at all. However, the combat in the segments where you don't die instantly and start over, is top-notch and worth playing. The graphics are astounding, and it's a shame to see such great images and hear such lousy dialogue and terrible voice acting.
Summary
There's no bigass thumbs to give out here. The only winner in this example are the people that managed to steer clear of all three entertainment items in this list. Stay tuned for my next post: Yeast Infection, Baking on a Budget.
Wanted
I saw Wanted on Pay Per View this weekend. I don't know who adapted the comic, and I never read the comic, but this film was bad. It took the action from Matrix, the plot from National Treasure, and the flat characters from Fast and the Furious, and removed anything redeeming those films had. The plot ends up so tangled by the end, you consider rewinding to the chapter where it fell apart, and realize it's simply not worth the effort. If you believe people can shoot bullets out of the air, survive a thousand-foot fall into a ravine, or like skeletons with lips like Angelina, you will love this film.
Force Unleashed
27 Years in the making, Force Unleashed is the tale of the secret apprentice of a secret Sith lord apprentice of Luke's real father who is a Jedi Bounty Hunter born from a clone and really a prince who rides a unicorn. The controls in this game are so sloppy, it's like trying to drive a car from the back seat. Tapping two buttons initiates a combo in the opposite direction of your target that goes on for 8 seconds. targeting anything involves an element of prayer, and most enemies will block your attacks anyhow. The game should look good but doesn't, and you get to tell just how bad in all the close up cinemas. My brother tells me that the story is ultimately good if you can wade through sloppy controls, but I wasn't able to. One thing about this game that did rock was the physics. Too bad they showcased them on such a shitty, predictable, Star Wars license.
Gears of War 2
Marcus "the Hawk" Fenix is back with his squad of awkwardly-named, culturally insensitive soldiers. This time, their last human city is under threat of being sunk into the earth by the Locust enemies. Also by the enemies of the Locust, the glowing Locust. And this time it's serious, cause Locust don't kill people now, they put them in crates for a reason that's never explained. Perhaps one of the crates holds Santiago's wife, whom he has promised to rescue at all costs! (and by "rescue", we mean "shoot in the face" and by "all costs" we mean "thin plot device").
The last refuge city of Jacinto is under attack by a giant worm that threatens to sink the city into the earth. Marcus and crew aim to stop the beast at all costs, from inside, dodging teeth and guts and using their chainsaws on its three hearts. Also, there's a giant fish Marcus aims to stop at all costs, from the inside. Just with a few grenades, though.
To reach the giant worm and fish, Marcus has to drive a tank over the ice lakes that crumble beneath him. He gets many chances as there's only one path to do so, and any deviation restarts the level. He should have recruited Dirk the Daring from Dragon's Lair to help him.
With the worm defeated, Marcus learns that the Locust city, and their enemy, the glowing Locusts, are directly underneath Jacinto. His dead(?) father from GoW1 has suggested the terrible, genocidal plan to sink the city of Jacinto, the last human refuge, on top of the Locust city.
The COG general decides that this will end the war (I can see his logic: if everyone from both sides is dead, the war effectively ends) and agree that Fenix should sink the last human refuge city of Jacinto on top of the Locusts. Despite that this was the Locusts' original plan, they try to stop Fenix.
Four thin columns of stone hold the city up! Marcus is only able to destroy 3 with his chaingun, but because the game doesn't employ the physics engine of Force Unleashed, the last column is apparently more than enough to keep the city supported, and immune to chain guns. Thank God one of the glowing locusts is standing next to it and they explode now (something never mentioned before). Hooray! Humanity is saved by killing them all! And the Locusts!
If you are playing this game for the plot, perhaps it's time to renew your subscription to Highlights or Golden Books. The story is like a pick your own adventure book read sequentially from cover to cover. It makes no sense at all. However, the combat in the segments where you don't die instantly and start over, is top-notch and worth playing. The graphics are astounding, and it's a shame to see such great images and hear such lousy dialogue and terrible voice acting.
Summary
There's no bigass thumbs to give out here. The only winner in this example are the people that managed to steer clear of all three entertainment items in this list. Stay tuned for my next post: Yeast Infection, Baking on a Budget.