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View Full Version : Writing Exercise 3 - ROTH

jackrabbit
10-29-2008, 11:08 AM
I recently had the pleasure of reading the James Patterson novel, Cross, based on his character Alex Cross. You may have heard of the author -- New York Times Best Seller List about twice a year. I figured anyone that makes the NYT Best Seller List has to be good, right?

Well, as a bit of a book snob (I'm actually a bit of an everything snob) I took perverse enjoyment from reading the kind of material that makes a best seller. I thought I might also have the chops to produce something along the same style and quality.

So for your reading enjoyment, I present ROTH (http://write.jckrbbt.com/docs/ROTH_A_Tribute_To_Patterson.pdf), the story of a cop in the Right Place at the Wrong Time.

Please also stay tuned for the eventual sequel, where Albert Roth faces off against the Irish mafia in ROTH IRA.
Tai
10-29-2008, 11:17 AM
I reBBCODE'ed it so I can click on ROTH (http://write.jckrbbt.com/docs/ROTH_A_Tribute_To_Patterson.pdf).
Tai
10-29-2008, 11:20 AM
Hey, they didn't make a viper srt8 in 2006 :) v10 only.
Tai
10-29-2008, 11:23 AM
also, I'm only on page 1, but I am loving this. :)
Creole Ned
10-29-2008, 11:27 AM
ROTH is a masterpiece. Anxiously awaiting the further adventures of Albert "snakeskin" Roth!

Seriously, I had a good laugh over this. My own take on this writing exercise will be ready by Friday (not lampooning Patterson, alas, who appears to have a treasure trove of material to draw from).
samuelk
10-29-2008, 11:39 AM
Excellent work!

It hasn't quite reached the pinnacle of fiction that is the famous "Winds of Sin" story Ned posted, but it's still awesome.

I think if you changed "chainsaw terrorist" to "chainsaw sniper terrorist", it would be a more awesome perfect masterpiece.
Tai
10-29-2008, 11:49 AM
K, got away from work for a bit to finish up this masterpiece. I too add my kudos. :) I'm also glad I've never heard of this Peterson guy.
Creole Ned
10-29-2008, 11:57 AM
"Winds of Sin" worked so well because it was the best unintentional parody EVAR.

ROTH so effectively mocks Patterson it almost made me curious to pick up one of his books. Almost.
Circuit
10-29-2008, 12:23 PM
I knew it was going to be excellent when I read "Not on my watch" in the opening paragraph. You deserve a Golden Oscar award for this!
Kermit
10-29-2008, 12:51 PM
Damint! I demand a sequel. I need to know what ends up happening to Claudia and her eyes of flaming emeralds!

You know, if you could find a way to squeeze in the phrases "one fluid motion", "hawk like features", "chiseled in marble", and "whirring blades" you could make that a tribute to R. A. Salvatore too.
jackrabbit
10-29-2008, 02:54 PM
Kerm, the exercise is to mimic another writer's style. You can play too! It seems to work better when you hate the author you are mimicking, though.

Couple of things I missed:

Patterson's character, Cross, is always written in first person, but the criminal is not. It's very confusing after the second chapter.
The criminal gets every other chapter or so, and often comments on how anything normal people do is a mistake. He says it in its own paragraph in italics about 4 times a chapter. It would be funny if it weren't sad.
When the story was told from the point of view of the criminal, he would notice things he didn't notice. Like sunsets. He'd notice how beautiful the sunset was, if he was the kind of person to notice that sort of thing. Which he wasn't. Um, so... I should just ignore that last paragraph then?


I know I've read other Patterson books that didn't stand out as so utterly awful, and I know writers probably start mailing it in after the 6th million dollar novel (See also: Clancy, King). This was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. Part of me wants to mail it to the author himself, but he's probably rich enough to hire the world's most dangerous critic killing assassin ninja after me.

Mistake.
Tai
10-29-2008, 03:03 PM
Oh you SO have to send that to him. I will gladly help if you want. (I can provide false addresses, a hidey hole, and a kevlar vest.)
Kermit
10-29-2008, 06:06 PM
I know, but for some reason the flaming emerald eyes just struck me as a Salvatore-esque thing.

I've never read Patterson but I thank you for saving me the trouble. I'm going to update my audiobooks thread pretty soon, I've finished quite a few, some better than others.
Shadowrat
10-30-2008, 09:00 AM
I read it twice. As the ALL TIME valedictorian of the Evelyn woods school for advanced speed reading, it was easy for me.

I literally absorbed the words from my screen leveraging both a custom font i had created to boost my speed reading abilities and my 1920x1200 resolution. That resolution is far to high for most people to see clearly, but my eyes were strengthened during the time i spent learning kung fu in a shaolin temple.
Circuit
10-30-2008, 09:52 AM
They say the eyes are the deadlist part of the human body. Epsecially on people with laser eyes.
Budly
10-30-2008, 10:57 AM
William Wallace shot lightning bolts from his arse.
Tai
10-30-2008, 11:01 AM
William Wallace shot lightning bolts from his arse.

KABOOOOM!
Budly
10-30-2008, 11:34 AM
Some how I couldn't get the voice of Jack Webb narrating that story out of my head.

Fun read bunny.
Creole Ned
10-30-2008, 04:50 PM
I finished my story today but it feels more like a Lovecraft homage than a parody. I'll let jackrabbit have a look before deciding whether it needs another trip to the shop for more work.
jackrabbit
10-31-2008, 09:03 AM
I read it and I really like it. I especially love the prose and rhythm of the writing, and the Lovecraftian lack of dialog. There's a few words in there that fit the tone, but also just sound cool that I'll have to steal for my own lexicon.
samuelk
12-15-2008, 11:48 AM
Hey, Ned, would you happen to have a copy of Winds of Sin lying around? I can't find it on my computer any more. :(
Creole Ned
12-15-2008, 12:18 PM
Do I! That thing is like a special treasure to me. Very special indeed.

I don't think I have a copy online since I switched to the new host but I can upload it again tonight. Time for the annual re-read, anyway. Don't forget the sequel, Winds of Change. It's not quite the classic the original is, but it tries, oh how it tries.
samuelk
12-15-2008, 01:05 PM
Do I! That thing is like a special treasure to me. Very special indeed.

I don't think I have a copy online since I switched to the new host but I can upload it again tonight. Time for the annual re-read, anyway. Don't forget the sequel, Winds of Change. It's not quite the classic the original is, but it tries, oh how it tries.

Winds of Change? I haven't read that one! :eek:
Budly
12-15-2008, 02:40 PM
Who wrote the short story about losing their life to tribes? Somebody find it and get it posted here please.
Creole Ned
12-15-2008, 11:48 PM
Back again from the year 1989, I give you Susan Wilson's community college creative writing class classic The Winds of Sin (http://creolened.com/fiction/winds_of_sin.pdf).
samuelk
12-16-2008, 08:12 AM
Thanks, Ned! So what's up with the sequel? Written by the same person?
Creole Ned
12-16-2008, 09:51 AM
Yes. In the writing class we had to write two short stories (seems rather anemic when I look back on it now). My first was the frankly awful A Pod With a View (http://creolened.com/?page_id=51) but I followed it up with The Broken Bridge, an unusually serious effort for me (and it's not on my site yet because I'm tweaking it).

Susan Wilson, on the other hand, first wrote The Winds of Sin and undaunted by any criticism (she took none of it well at all -- I wish I could find my notes), she chose to write a sequel, The Winds of Change for her second project. I'm sure if the course had demanded a third story she would have completed the trilogy with The Winds of Love or something.

I'll try to scan in The Winds of Change today.